The life of Amanda Rae

Cold rush #11

Sometimes I really hate noise.

Loud noise

Quiet noise

Or even no noise at all.

It's strange. Really, it is. When it's too loud, I get emotional. When it's quiet noise, I feel like I'm going crazy, and when there is no noise at all, I can hear my thoughts and sometimes, it scares me half to death.

When Tammy died, There was no noise. I felt... I felt numb and probably in shock.

When I was told that Tammy was murdered that day, everything just fell apart.

My mom became an alcoholic, I barely saw my dad, Patrick vanished from my life and I was just a Freshman in highschool, just starting my life.

Now that I think about it today, my life is really broken.

Tammy is dead.

My mom is dead.

My dad is on a business trip for 2 or 3 months.

I'm pregnant with Patrick's baby.

What good is coming out of this?

Probably having Patrick's baby and I have a friend.

But I'm 18 years old and pregnant.

I still need to live my life. I haven't lived yet. I've been cooped up in my room for years since Tammy's death.

I haven't done anything exciting with my life.

I want to graduate high school, and get my dream job of becoming a doctor.

I want to help people.

I want to---

"Amanda?"

I snap out of my thoughts and look up at the loving boy in front of me.

"Yeah?" My voice sounding jittery.

"Are you going to school tomorrow?" Patrick asks me.

"Yeah, yeah, I think so." I get up and get a glass of water.

The ice clinks in the glass, the water gets poured and you can hear a weird cracking sound when the water hits the ice.

I take a sip, feeling the cold water go down through my chest like a waterfall.

"How far along are you?"

I look at him with wide eyes.

"Excuse me?" I raise an eyebrow.

"You're pregnant, remember?" He raises an eyebrow.

I take another sip of my water, feeling the cool rush again.

"Oh yeah, sorry" I wipe the water around my mouth with the hem of my long sleeve shirt.

Mom gave me this shirt for Christmas one year.

I feel my heart break a little.

"Are you gonna answer my question love?" Concern in his voice.

"Oh yeah, I'm about 4 weeks pregnant." I gave him a small smile.

I take the big white toaster out of the cabinet and take 2 pieces of toast and put them in the toaster.

Peanut butter, I really want peanut butter on my toast.

My stomach rumbles.

I take another sip of my cold Ice water.

Half a glass left, 2 ice cubes remain. 1 has melted already.

"When should we schedule a doctor's appointment?" He asks.

"Soon I suppose. This entire pregnancy thing hasn't sunk in yet"

My toast pops up, I get the peanut butter and spread it across my toast.

The butter knife

I stare hopelessly at it.

I put it in the sink and turn away from it.

I go and sit at the kitchen table and taking a big chunk out of the peanut butter toast.

Patrick takes a napkin and wipes the excess peanut butter off of my mouth.

"Thanks"

"Anything for you" He smiles at me, and kisses my left temple.

Anything for you

I take another sip of my water, and getting the sticky texture of peanut butter out of my mouth.

I take another bite.

Then another, and another until I have no leftover toast left.

I look at my glass of water.

Only about one sip left, no more ice cubes.

Finish it off

I then finished it off.

"Want more water?" Patrick questions me.

"Um, yeah, please" I get up, and bring my plate to the sink.

The knife is still there.

I walk away.

I hear the ice clink in the glass, then the water being poured, hearing the cracking sounds again.

"Here" He hands me the glass of water.

"Thanks" I smile at him, and take a sip of water. Feeling the cold rush go through my chest again.

I set the glass down and feel my stomach churn.

I grunt.

Patrick looks at me and I give him a reassuring smile.

"I'm okay" I say.

I'm okay.

My stomach churns again.

"I'm not okay" and run to the bathroom.

I'm not okay

I open the toilet lid and I start to throw up.

Patrick comes into the bathroom and holds my hair up, and rubs small circles on the center of my back.

"You're okay, get it all out baby girl" He soothes.

I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I just start sobbing.

I feel the water that use to go through my chest, feeling the cold rush, come back up my throat in the form of warm, and foamy liquid, and the peanut butter making it the color of brown and yellow.

Where did yellow come from?

"It..it hurts" another sob follows as a hiccup follows after that.

"I know sweetheart, I know" He continues to rub circles on my lower back.

"You'll be okay, I got you"

"You promise?" I look at him, directly in his eyes, feeling drool oozing out of my mouth, dripping off of my lip.

"I promise"

Then I throw up again.