The life of Amanda Rae

The past feels like the future #21

You know the times when you see something you weren't expecting to see? That a huge wave of panic washes over you as goosebumps forms on your body, cold air rushing through your body, leaving you speechless, eyes stone set on that something or someone that caused you to absolutely freeze up, feeling these feelings that you thought was impossible? Yeah well, that's me right about now.

I look at him, eyes dilated like damn soccer balls. My mouth agaped, my hands shaking; sweaty.

"I'm either losing a part of my sanity and hallucinating shit right now or Tammy's ex is right in front of me right now and just said my god damn name" I say with a stone cold face, Patrick holding me upright so I don't fall.

"Amanda" Nick's voice drifts off into silence, calling my name like a plea, sounding desperate.

"Don't 'Amanda' me" I snap at him.

I know he didn't kill Tammy. I found that out the hard fucking way.

"I didn't kill Tam-"

"I know you didn't fucking kill Tammy!" I yell, causing Patrick and Nick to both take a step back.

"You..you do?!" His eyes well up.

"Yes" I whisper lowly, but audible enough for him to hear me

Nick Roy, Nowhere to be found after the sudden murder of Tamantha Rae.

"Why, why the hell did you run away!" I seethe with anger.

"That was my sister who was fucking murdered you bone head! You could've explained to the police that it wasn't fucking you!" I shove his chest, causing him to stumble back.

"It's not that easy Amanda!" He yells back as a tear runs down his face. "She was killed in my fucking room! I don't know how she got there! I was out that day with my damn parents!" He chokes on a sob as angry tears fall down my face, Pathetically.

Amanda, remember, your father killed Tamantha, also your mother. Stop taking your anger out on him.

"Amanda, come on, hear him out" Patrick defends Nick, touching my shoulder slightly as I shrug his touch off.

"Oh what, now you're mad at me?!" He takes a step back and puts his hands in his pocket.

"I have a damn right to be mad, to feel hurt, be-fucking-trade. I have a right to cry. I have a damn right to be feeling what I'm feeling right now. Our baby just died! Tammy and my mother was murdered by my dad! MY FUCKING DAD! The guy I looked up to! Nick is right in front of me, after being god knows where for how many fucking years Patrick? Oh wait, HE WAS GONE AS LONG AS YOU WERE!" I choked on my sobs, trying to hold them back. "And you know the worst part is, you keep telling me everything is going to be okay, when really, every time you say that, someone either fucking dies, someone gets fucking hurt, or someone unexpectedly shows up" I put my coat on and put on a random pair of shoes.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" Patrick says with anger clear in his voice with a hint of panic.

"I'm going somewhere to fucking think! Where I'm out of this house for once!" I yell, causing my voice to crack.

"No you aren't! You are staying right fucking here!" He yells, causing me to stumble back.

"You aren't the fucking boss of me! Last I checked, I was alone for three years with no one there to keep me sane!" I yell as tears start getting heavier.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry for fucking leaving! I should've told you! God Amanda, I keep telling you I'm sorry!" His voice is back to normal, but tears threaten to spill from his wonderful hazel eyes.