The life of Amanda Rae

Blackout #13

I need to tell dad

I thought to myself.

What is he going to think of me? I don't want him to think I'm some sort of disgrace to the family.

What family, most of them are dead.

How should I tell him?

Should I wait till he gets back 3 months from now?

No your baby bump will start to show you idiot.

Should I call him up?

He'll still freak shit on you considering you're pregnant... WITH PATRICK'S BABY!

Should I text him?

Still not the wise choice of action.

I don't want him to hate me. I don't want him to think differently of me. I don't want him to be mad at me.

I just want my family back. Mom, Tammy, Dad, and I. All happy.

I miss the family there once was.

I get the ultra sound pictures out of my bag and hold the picture in between my pointer and middle finger on my left hand like a cigaret; Feeling the smooth plastic. I hold the picture in the palm of my hand and stare at it intensely.

"Baby" I mumble to myself.

I stand up and go to the bathroom.

I set the picture on the bathroom sink, and lift my navy blue shirt up my bra, tucking it under the bra.

I hold my hands over my stomach.

I'm having a baby, Patrick's baby.

Oh my god, I'm having a baby.

Anxiety takes over me.

I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm only 18 for god sakes!

Tears brim my eyes and my breath in my throat hitches.

"Oh god" A tear slides down my cheek, feeling the tear drop onto my belly.

I hiccup as another tear slides down my cheek.

I'm still holding my belly, and I eventually start to take my finger, and rub small circles around the belly button.

6 weeks pregnant.

My lip quivers and my eyes close shut.

"Please let this be a dream. Please please please" More tears run down my cheeks, feeling the water drop onto my belly again.

My hands start to shake and my lip still continues to quiver.

"Oh god" My stomach churns.

You're a mess Amanda, you know that?

"I need to tell him" I hiccup again.

I pull my shirt down and go and get my cell.

My hands are shaky as I dial his number.

I put the phone to my ear and hear it ring a couple times.

After about ten rings, it went straight to voicemail.

I hung up and I screamed.

"ANSWER DAMNIT!" I sob into my hands.

My phone starts to ring.

"He..Hello?" I stutter.

"Amanda, love" My heart drops as my dad continues to speak.

"You called sweetheart?" He asks me.

"Um yeah, I need to tell you something" I said, my hands still shaky, my mouth dry.

"Well what is it sweetheart? Are you hurt?" Full of concern in his voice.

"No dad, I'm not hurt. I'm perfectly fine. Well, uh sort of"

"What do you mean?"

"Dad.." I take a deep breath.

"I'm pregnant, with Patrick's baby" I exhale and the line goes quiet.

He doesn't speak and all I can hear is his rapid breaths.

Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.

"Dad?" I whisper quietly.

"You..For god sakes amanda! Can you be more wise?! You made a stupid decision and now you are fucking pregnant? You know he left you when Tamantha died and once he comes back you're quick to jump on his bones aren't you? You just screwed up your life. When that child comes along, that child is going to grow up and make stupid choices just like you and Patrick. You disgust me. I thought you knew better. I will have no part in that child's life and you will take full responsibility. Don't crawl to me for help, don't beg me for help because I sure as hell won't help you, not even that Prick of a soon to be father. Bye Amanda." And the line goes dead.

The phone is still up to my ear and I finally let go of the breath I've been holding in for so long.

I start to sob.

Hard.

The phone still to my ear and my hands are shaking like an earthquake hit my body.

"D..Da..Dad?" I stutter, my voice shaky.

"N..no" I cry out.

"NO!" I scream louder and throw my phone against the wall, watching it shatter right before my eyes.

Just like my heart.

My eyes become blurry as I continue to cry, and I go head downstairs to get the house phone to call Patrick.

I can't see anything considering the tears are making my sight go blurry. I go down the stairs and about going down two steps I trip down the stairs.

I keep falling until I feel myself land on the cold, hardwood floor.

Numbness.

It's all I feel.

Blood.

That's all I smell.

Blackness.

That's all I see.

Baby.

That's what comes into my mind and push out the words of

"My baby, oh god, somebody help me."

After that, I hear the front door slam open and I hear a familiar voice.

"AMANDA!" And then I blackout into a deep sleep.