Hearts revival (a follow up from the North and South tale)

feelings 7

I stare at the spot where he was standing, trying to process his words. Until Mary's voice interrupts my frozen state. "That Mr. Thornton surprises me every so often," she says. I definitive agree with her. I'm going to need time to process what he has proposed. The children are very excited, especially Susan and her friend. They all talk at the same time. Susan is all eager to create a larger teaching opportunity, then more of her friends can join us. At least, those that don't have to work. I take in the requests and ideas but really I'm not paying much attention, my mind is too occupied. 

For a start, I would have to talk to Mr. Thornton and I'm not at all sure if I am able too. I think I might simply faint if I have to. His presence causes my heart to beat too fast and my stomach to lurch and many other unfamiliar symptoms to occur. I have not been in this position before. I realize these are all symptoms I have heard others talk about. They signalize that one has high regards for the other. Is this really what I'm feeling towards Mr. Thornton? I am very much unsettled by these thoughts and feelings. Nobody has caused me to be anything but cool and observed, except for Uncle, he can infuriate me greatly, but other than that... 

It takes some days and nights for me to gather my courage to take action. I am very keen on expanding the teaching of the children. Partly because I really enjoy teaching and partly (and I have to admit) because the facilities offered are part of the mill, thus close to him. Him, meaning Mr. Thornton.

I haven't seen Mr. Thornton since he visited me at Higgins's house, and it has been agonizing. Reason why I am exceedingly flustered as I make my way towards his office . Regardless of me feeling unwell due to my nervousness, I also feel great too;  very much excited, very much alive...

I basically storm into Mr. Thornton's office before I change my mind, too late I realize I failed to knock. I observe how Mr. Thornton hurriedly places a picture back onto his desk. For a moment, I can make out a handsome woman in the picture. I also observe Mr. Thornton wiping away tears, in a hidden sort of way but still unmistakably. The situation is ever so awkward and I suddenly feel awful. What was I thinking? 

Mr. Thornton does not at all look pleased to see me. "Miss Elizabeth, I trust you have a very urgent matter you're needing to discuss, judging you're hasty entrance?" He is scolding me. Oh, but I do deserve it. Was I really thinking Mr. Thornton would be sitting in his office, eagerly awaiting my arrival? He clearly still loves that woman. I foolishly thought he might have feelings towards me, just because I have high regards for him. Frowning, he looks at me expectantly.

"Mr. Thornton, you have been so kind to offer facilities for me to teach the children, and I'm here to ask if your offer is still standing?" I am not so sure really whether I still want to be teaching at the Mill. Frankly, I don't want to ever see him again. I feel as if my heart has broken in two. I would very much like to hide in my room at this moment and let the tears flow. As a matter of fact, I have a hard time keeping them at bay as I'm trying to stay composed in front of Mr. Thornton. 

"Yes, my offer is still standing, I am a man of my word.  I could show you to the facilities now. Afterward, I have an urgent meeting I will have to attend to." He sounds a little friendlier. Perhaps he simply didn't relish the fact that I caught him off guard and in such a personal moment. But nevertheless, my heart aches. The dismay he has displayed looking at that woman's picture was too real, I am certain my desires are futile. It truly hurts! Suddenly I remembered a few men that had hopes, that I might perhaps have high regards for them. I have been fairly cruel I have to admit. I have simply been ignorant of the fact that it hurts this much. Oh, Mr. Thornton what a cruel teacher you are... such are my thoughts as I follow Mr. Thornton to the facilities I may be able to use for teaching. I take in every detail of him as he walks in front of me. I pity myself. The facilities are not much more than a room and it is currently filled with all sorts but it does have potential. 

"Is this fulfilling your requirements?" Mr. Thornton asks me. I drown in his eyes. Why does he have to be so mysterious, why does he have to intrigue me so. "Mr. Thornton, I thank you very much for your kind offer, this will do just fine." I have no idea yet how I will turn this room into a classroom but I am not going to admit this in front of Mr. Thornton. Mr. Thornton nods, then he bows slightly: "If you excuse me, I have to be going now." He makes to leave but then he turns around once more. "John," he says, "please call me John." With that, he starts walking off. I call after him. "Goodbye , Mr. Th..John." He turns once more and just looks at me, I can not read his expression. I feel so very foolish and palpable as in regards to my feelings.

I survey the room. Everything in this room appears to be debris. I will need help with removing all of it and then I will need tables and chairs and many other things. I start to envisage the finished room, it makes me feel a whole lot better.
I lie awake most of the night, tho trying to make sense of my feelings and pondering over Mr. Thornton.

The next morning I send for a carpenter. I order several tables and chairs as well as a big blackboard. If the carpenter is at all surprised as of what my plans are with these, he doesn't show it. He is probably just glad to have this commission. Also, I do a few errands buying paper, pens and other useful items I might need for teaching. Then I have it all delivered to the Mill. After, I walk with Higgins's children together to my new 'school'. 

On our way, we come past a man sitting in front of a house. Some intuition lets me ask him if he would like to do a job for me. He is more than eager, so I invite him to come along. On our way, he introduces himself as Paul Finley, further, he informs me that he has recently lost his job to a younger man, in one of the other Mills. Before I can stop myself I offer him to speak to Mr. Thornton, perhaps he could find employment for Paul. I immediately regret this offer, I do want to help, it's not that, I am just not sure about what Mr. Thornton will say. Oh, John I mean. It is still very awkward for me to call him John, although I have been saying his name over and over, secretly of cause. Is he the kind man I think is hiding behind his distant behavior?

With combined efforts we manage to bring all the debris outside to the big rubbish pile in on of the corners of the courtyard. It is hard work and eventually I have to roll up my sleeves to cool down slightly, even though it is a fairly cold day. Just before we are finished, I spot John watching me, our eyes meet for a moment and he nods. Eagerly I nod back. Again I'm embarrassed by my evident fondness. How can I hide this more effective, I wonder? Once again I realize how little I know of the world and its ways. I am a teacher now but equally, I'm a student.