Hearts revival (a follow up from the North and South tale)

living with loss 18

John delivers me to the door, then he has to leave but he promises to return in the morning. Uncle can not believe it when he finds me outside the front door and he is more than overjoyed I've got my memories back, he sheds a few tears and I can simply not believe that I disliked this man ever before . Even the staff, especially Lawren are immensely glad to have me back. Lawren made sure there were always fresh flowers in my room so that when I would come home I would find them brightening up my room. I greet them all with appreciation, everything that is part of my life seems so precious right now, probably partly because a short while ago I didn't even remember they existed. 

My joy to be back home is overshadowed tho, in the back of my mind are Mary and the children. I can not wait. Quickly I discuss the plans I have with my Uncle and am overjoyed to find out that he agrees with me. Euphorically, I hug him.

A short while later, a carriage stops in front of the Higgin's home. I climb out thinking back to the day I came here for the first time. It seems such a long time ago, so much has happened since. I'm fighting the tears, I do want to be strong for Mary.

I knock and as in those days, Mary opens, only now she is older and she looks healthier, despite her loss. Seeing her breaks my barriers, I cry whilst I hurry to embrace my dear friend.
 "You remember," Mary states, she seems so pleased it warms my heart greatly.
I nod: "Oh Mary, John, I mean Mr. Thornton, informed me about your father." She hangs her head, I can see speaking about Higgins is affecting her negatively.
"It was the mentioning of your father's death that has brought back Elizabeth's memories." Uncle is stepping forward, I nod trying very hard not to cry. "I loved him very much," I say quietly. Mary is struggling to keep her posture,  so it is actually a good thing that in that moment the children come running through the door:
"Miss Elizabeth, you're back!" They hug me so exuberantly that  I nearly fall off the stairs. I bend down and embrace them.
"Yes,I'm back!" I promise. 

Mary manages to collect herself and beckons us to come insight. It is a little unreal how everything seems to be the same and yet a very vital part is missing from now on. I focus on the plans I have for Mary and the children.
"Mary, you must know that I'm very fond of you and the children, I would be honored and overjoyed if you would all come and live with me at the big house." I look at her nervously.
"It is also my wish," Uncle confirms the offer.

For a moment all is quiet, Mary's eyes fill with tears as she no longer manages to hold them back. The children are shouting, they are overjoyed and want to go immediately.
Susan asks me: "Will I be wearing pretty dresses," Her voice is bearably audible she is so in awe with the possibilities my offer might entail.
"Please Mary," I beg her. I want her close and I don't want that she or the children have to suffer anymore, I wish to share my blessing with them. Then Mary beams: "Yes, yes Elizabeth I would love to."

 A short while later the carriage that had been waiting outside the Higgins home vacates, leaving behind an empty house.

The next morning when John calls, he is very surprised to see Mary and the children. After he has been filled in on the new family arrangments, he smiles. He takes my hand and draws me closer, cupping my face in his other hand he says.
" This act of kindness very much reflects your nature, you are one of a kind, Elizabeth." His eyes are full of admiration and love for me. I'm so overwhelmed with his affection that I have to look away.
"Oh John, you have me blush!" He laughs, it is so heartwarming to hear him laugh. We have a very sociable morning after, with joy and gladness despite our losses.  

Later that day, Mary and I go for a walk to the graveyard. I want to say good-bye to Higgins in some sort of formal way and I think facing his grave might help me. The graveyard is situated just outside of Milton, sloping up onto a small hill. It is actually a very beautiful place with a lot of green and in spring and summer, there are a lot of flowers growing here. Now we have autumn but even so, the graveyard is still very beautiful. It is bittersweet in a way, as this place is also a place of sorrow. We walk quietly, I had offered to go alone, should it be too much for Mary to bear but she wanted to come along and I'm glad she did, that way I don't have to search for his grave and I don't have to face this on my own. But it is rather easy to find his grave, as it is surrounded by many other new graves. My heart bleeds as I take in the vastness of the devastation, the fire has left behind. 

I kneel down in front of Higgins grave, placing down the flowers I have brought along. I had prepared a little speech for him but being here now chokes me and I can not speak. I stare at the newly made grave as images of Higgins pass by my inner eye. How quickly life changes....I have to think of my parents and here too, images of them pass by my inner eye, I realize that I can let them go now and also the guilt that I had carried around with me since then. I know now, that I couldn't have saved them.  

I look over at Mary who is also staring at Higgins grave. Silent tears run down her cheeks. I realize that I have a family, a patchwork family mind, a family that consists of a huddle of people who were somehow left behind. 

And then there is John, he too is sort of my family. A wave of great affection flows through me as I think about John. He is a good man, I am so very blessed to have him. I wish that Mary will find a man such as John so she too can experience this bliss. I consider George for a moment but immediately abandon the thought. George would not be able to handle Mary, he is still a youngster at heart with not much live experience, he couldn't even bear visiting me at the hospital at least he send his love. No, he wouldn't do. It would have to be a man that had suffered before and who would be able to carry Mary's suffering for and with her, as well. And then I suddenly have a great idea. James! James is the right man for Mary! If only I can convince both of them about this little arrangement I have come up with. How can I  bring them together without doing some very noticeable match-making? James would most certainly not agree to match-making. I would have to do this more subtle. But the idea is there now I will only have to make a plan.

It is time for us to return as it is beginning to get dark. Mary kisses her fingertips and touches the ground. My sweet friend, I feel so greatly for her. 

Just before we walk off I turn around and whisper so that Mary can not hear me: "I will look after her..." into the wind. Whether it was just wishful thinking or it actually happened, I believe that the rustling of the wind whispered back. "Thank you," Higgins's voice echoes through my mind.