Hearts revival (a follow up from the North and South tale)

misunderstanding 14

Some women are approaching us now and the moment we just had has passed. My knees are still shaking. I think he wanted to kiss me IF I'm not mistaken. How is this possible, a minute ago I was still convinced he would never be able to love me, well not that I had no hopes at all, but I have been blind towards any signs. I am not at all sure how to process this, I look up at him smiling insecure. I think he feels the same. He sighs. "Perhaps we should return to the ball," he says somewhat reluctantly. "Yes, perhaps we should," I am equally reluctant to go back but the ladies have come to a halt not too far from us, they seem intrigued by our togetherness.

 We walk back in silence. I glance at him from time to time. He is still smiling. My heart is so full right now, I feel so exuberant!!

Again we dance but this time, I simply forget the rest of our surroundings and drown in his eyes. Today they don't appear as deep pools of melancholy, there is a warmth there today, a warmth that comes from hope! Could it really be that I am the reason for the light in his eyes? 

All too soon the dance is over and we come away from the dance floor.

I feel giddy and I'm out of breath. John half bends down to me. "I shall provide us with a drink," His eyes are beaming. I nod: "Thank you, John, that would be very appreciated."  With that, he leaves. While I try to quieten my emotions I observe the people. Suddenly George approaches me. I haven't seen George for quite some time. Usually, I don't mind him at all, after all, he is a good friend of mine but I'm not so sure what John will think of George, especially as George can be very familiar around me, we have practically grown up together. 

George leans in to kiss me on my cheek. "Elizabeth you look simply divine tonight!" I am being friendly but I can not pay too much attention to what he is saying, my mind is too occupied with John.  So eventually, George leans forward and whispers: "I believe your mind is occupied with that man, I saw you dancing with, am I right?" I laugh uncomfortably and push him gently away. "You are far too curious," I say to him. "I knew it," George is delighted he found out about my admiration. Teasingly he boxes me in my side. I wish he would not do such a thing in public, "So who is he?" 

At that moment I notice John. He stares at us, his expression grave and hateful. For a moment, I'm completely puzzled. Then it suddenly dawns on me. He may think that George and I...no he wouldn't... would he? It appears that way tho, oh no. I have to clear this misunderstanding immediately. "Excuse me, George, I have to go but I will contact you very soon and then I will let you in on my current affairs," I wink at him and then hastily make my way towards John or at least towards the spot were John had been standing a minute ago, glaring at us. 

I try to find him in the crowd but he is nowhere to be seen. Would he leave? I make for the great entrance doors. I can not find him there either. If only George hadn't come over. I am saddened, I've had such a nice time with John. I'm also a little worried and unsure of what to do now but then I make a decision. I will go and see him tomorrow after the teaching. 

Soon after Uncle and I leave the ball, I can find no more pleasure in staying. I cant find sleep for a very long time, either, again and again i have to think about us in the garden, the beauty and the intensivness of the moment... and then his glare, how quickly things can change.

It is raining heavily the following day. On such days, I have a carriage dropping me at the Mill. I no longer need to fit in since by now everybody knows that I am a 'grant' Lady and they've gotten used to me coming and going in a carriage. 

Rain always makes me feel melancholic. I try to reason that it is merely because of the dreary weather and because I haven't slept much that I feel so down but I'm also burdened by the fact that John is upset with me. I would love to go and rectify this misunderstanding with him right now but I can't because my duties await me.  Fact is, that I believe John to be extremely responsible, I don't think he would approve if I would let myself be driven by my emotions. I'm a little torn, naturally I want to listen to my heart and not to my mind. But as soon as I start the teaching I am distracted and focused. 

I do have a harder time today tho, I think everybody's mood is suffering because of the weather and quite possibly I'm affecting the children with my own restlessness. At the end of the day I could cry, I feel as if I handled a lot of situations badly and the children have been rather mean towards me. Somewhere I know that today was not so much different to other days, I am simply emotional today. 

The time has come to face John. I wait a little longer to make sure I will catch him alone. He always stays behind after everybody has gone. I hope today wouldn't be any different. Slowly I make my way to his office. I drag my feet as I am so nervous. I haven't really done anything wrong but him being angry, makes me feel self-conscious and unsure. I knock and enter. 

"Elizabeth," he says in a frosty voice and he turns around to put some books aside. I think he is deliberately turning his back towards me. 

"John," I start nervously, "I think ..." what if he doesn't think, what I think, he thinks....Oh well never mind..."I just wanted to say that George is simply a good friend, we are as siblings, I grew up with him." I'm glad it is out. 

He is quiet for a while. Then he says, turning around to look at me. "What makes you think that I would be interested in your affairs." 

I stare at him and then I begin to cry, I really do, embarrassingly I do. "I thought you'd care?" Then I turn and run from his office. I was so certain! I run down the darkened passage, I have no idea what I'm going to do now.. blindly I run, suddenly I hear John's voice. "Elizabeth wait!" I stop trying to compose myself, my heart beating wildly, Hope rises, maybe just maybe he does care, he must!

By the time he reaches me I have been able to wipe the tears and collect myself a little. I'm too embarrassed to look at him. He stands in front of me, presumably looking down at me for a moment. Then he lifts my chin so that I have to look at him. "I do care," he says his voice wavering, "and it frightens me!" Again my tears threaten to run. "Only once I have felt emotions of this nature before and shortly after they turned to grief so strong that I wished to die. Elizabeth, my feelings for you are beautiful, life-giving and I crave them but they also make me want to run and hide." 

I stare at him unable to take in what he said. Is this really the truth, could I be so very blessed? Then: "Oh John your words make me the happiest woman right now, my feelings are no less!" His face displays a battle. I wonder if he is fighting the urge to run but then he bends forward and he kisses me, very gently as if he is scared to do so.  After he rests his forehead against my own, his eyes closed. It is the most gentle gesture and yet so very powerful. I never thought that one could feel such a strong connetion with anyone. I lean forward and embrace him. He allows this and so here we stand in the darkened passage holding each other. We have both suffered great loss, will we be able to comfort each other?