Dear Camila,
They say things happen for a reason, whether it be good or bad. Any other day I might believe that to be true but not then. Not on that day. Not on the day my life spiraled out of control forever. It didn't just turn around for me. It turned around for you especially.
I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I say that about a lot of things. Probably because anymoment with you is worth remembering every detail about.
The night before, we both laid in bed, snuggling. The kids were all moved out around this point. They were all graduated and off to college. It was just you and I, like it had been forever ago.
It had been a very tiring day. We laid down on the bed, snuggled together, watching TV.
"Lauren" You whispered to me in the dark. I thought you had fallen asleep by how quiet you had been.
I turned my head towards you and smiled "Yes, babe?"
You paused and hesitated to look in my eyes but did after a few moments of silence. "Did you mean it? In the vows? The part about being there for me death do us part?" You asked.
I was so taken back by the question. I just couldn't believe you had asked such a very dumb question. I thought you and I when we got married had understood what getting married meant. I wasn't gonna leave your side any time soon, nor did I want to.
"What kind of question is that?' I had asked you.
"I just want to know that if something bad happens in life, whether it be me, you or our kids, that you won't leave my side. It would hurt too much to lose you too"
I closed my eyes and pulled you in close to me. I kissed your forehead then laid back down. "Of course" I told you "Death do us part will I love and be there for you. Even after death I will still care. My soul and heart will forever be yours. They don't belong to anyone else."
I felt you smile against my neck. We stayed quiet the rest of the night and fell asleep.
Very early in the morning the next day I heard gagging noises coming from the bathroom. It had woken me up. I furrowed my eyebrows together and wondered what was wrong. I thought maybe you had eaten something bad last night, so I got up to go and comfort you.
The floorboard creaked beneath my feet as I approached the door.
"Lauren!" You cried. I felt my heart ache at those words. I never knew hearing my name come from yourmouth could make me feel so much pain. I will never forget the cry that you let out in that moment. It was one that broke my heart. It held so much pain, and it let me know you needed me.
I rushed into the bathroom and found you hovering over the toilet, blood was dripping from the toilet. You weren't cut nor were you injured. My eyes widened as I realized what was happening. You were throwing up blood.
I cleaned you up as you sat on the toilet crying in pain.
"Lauren" you cried "My stomach hurts."
I swooped you up in my arms and carried you bridal style to the car. "I know babe. You'll be fine. You'll be fine." I said. I was trying to convince myself as well.
I rushed you to the hospital and inside the sliding doors. I yelled for help, attracting the attention of multiple doctors who all ran towards us. They rushed you into a room but told me I was to be seated in a waiting room chair.
I was so furious that they weren't going to allow me in the room with you. I was your wife for goodnesssakes. I had the right.
I waited hours upon hours for a doctor to come out and give me details on what was going on, but none showed up. It drove me crazy being in the dark. I swear I had paced that hospital waiting room at least athousand times, running my hands in my hair and fueling myself on nothing but pepsi and a bag of salty potato chips.
I kept checking that clock on the white wall across from me, and every time I turned to look at it again, only five minutes had passed when I had thought it had been an hour.
Finally, at around 9:00 that night, a doctor, doctor Pete as he liked to be called, came out with a clipboard in hand a very serious face on. He approached me as I stood up, wanting to hear about how you were doing.
"Lauren?" He asked.
"Yes. That's me" I told him.
He looked down at his clipboard then back at me as he clutched it towards him safely like whatever was on that clipboard was a top secret or something that he needed to protect.
"I know you must be wondering what's going on. It took us a while but we have finally come to a conclusion as of an hour ago. We've been putting Camila on some pain killers to ease the pain." He said/
I waited anxiously for what was next.
"I have some good and bad news. Which would you like first."
"Bad" I answered quickly. If I took the bad first, the good one might ease me.
"Well..." He started "It seems that Camila has stage one lung cancer. But the good news is that I think wecaught it in time. We are gonna do some chemotherapy and hope that she does well."
In that moment I fell apart on the inside. I didn't show doctor Pete, but on the inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Why did god choose you to suffer this awful sickness? Why was it always you that was suffering? Why can't it be me for once.
If I could, I would have traded places with you and let you be the happy healthy one instead of the sick pale patient in that cold white hospital room. I would have given anything to take away that sickness from you but I couldn't. It was in god's hands now. I just prayed he healed you soon, because I needed you in my life. You were my everything, and if I lost you, I would have had nothing
Sincerely,
Lauren Jauregui
