Dear Camila,
Do remember when I got my first car? Well, it was a truck actually. A chevy. It wasn't pretty nor was it like anything I wanted, but it ran and it got me to the places I wanted to be. Beggers can't be choosers, right?
Well, that summer when I got my truck, I took you out on a miniature trip to the middle of the woods inFlorida. I loaded the back of my truck with pillows and layers upon layers of blankets to lay in. I took you there at night and we just laid there staring up at the stares as some old love song played on the radio.
It was quiet, dark and you were wrapped up in my arms, keeping us warm from that chilly summer night. I don't remember how we got that way, but somehow you ended up straddling me with a blanket over you. You kissed down my neck and found my pulse point. You sucked on it harshly, leaving a hickey. I was sure of it. I couldn't help but let out a loud moan. Usually I would have cared about how load we were being, but we were in the middle of the woods, no one else around. We were free to be a s loud as we wanted.
I gripped your hips a little rough and flipped us over so I was now on top. I began to kiss down your neck as I grinded our centers together. You moaned loudly.
After a while of rough making out, I just straddled you and looked into your eyes and smiled.
"It's creepy" You told me "Stop staring"
"It's not staring." I told you as I kissed your cheek "It's called admiring"
"What's to admire?"
"You" I told you. You shook your head and blushed. Even through the dark and the shadows of the trees above us, I could still see that bright red color on your cheeks.
"I'm nothing special"
I laughed at you "You see those stars up there, Camz?"
You looked up and nodded.
"Well," I started "They're beautiful, aren't they?"
You nodded.
"People love looking at them because they are beautiful, and also because they shine bright. On a clear night like this, they are the most beautiful things in the world" I told you "But whenever I look at you, you turn those beautiful stars into ugly balls of light."
You gave me a cute little frown and stuck out your lip, making me want to take your lips into mine and kiss you forever. "That sounds like an insult."
"It's not" I said "I mean, whenever I look at you, they turn ugly because your beauty and your shine is brighter and prettier than any of them up there. You're so beautiful, Camz. And you don't even know it. I wish you could see what I see, because if you did, I'm sure you would fall in love with yourself like I have with you"
The rest of the night I just hugged and kissed you, still wrapped up in those blankets. I wanted nothing more than to prove those words I had told you about you being prettier than those stars.
You made me think of moments like those when you started losing your hair and becoming more and more insecure, each passing moment. Eventually you lost all of your hair. I found you one morning, crying in the living room as you gathered the rest of your hair in your hands from your pillow that you had been napping on.
I rocked you back and forth as you kept repeating that you were ugly and that I should just leave because I deserved someone prettier than you. After your cries died down, I pulled out the guitar from our room and sat myself on the coffee table in front of you.
"What are you doing?" You asked me.
I smiled sweetly at you, then kissed your lips.
I began to sing a song that had been one of my favorites. I sang it at my grandparents wedding renewal. I remember watching them sway back and forth as I sang. Forever and ever amen.
When it came to the part about not being in love with your hair, I smiled at you. You smiled back only slightly. I found lately, that your smiles never reached your eyes anymore. They all seemed forced, like your life depended on it.
After I finished I laid down with you on the couch and kissed your head. "Death do us part. Remember?" I told you.
You still thought you looked prettier with hair, but me? I thought you looked beautiful no matter what. Ididn't fall in love with you, or marry you, or produce four beautiful you and me's because of your hair. I did all of those things because of your personality and goofy energy. I fell in love with you because of your words and your charm and your deep brown eyes.
I loved you then.
I love you still.
Sincerely,
Lauren Jauregui
