Before Her

Newt 31

Newt
I watch as Jane sat alone, pushing the food around on her plate. I had realised, that she was sitting where we had sat the night she had seen the walls close for the first time. I knew know, at least I think, I didn't know what exactly but I felt something for her. I knew that at least.

I wanted to talk to her, to sit next to her, just to be with her. Was this what it was like to like somebody?

Before I knew it, I was walking towards her, my feet refusing to respond to my commands, and then I was in front of her, sitting down next to her.
'Hey.'
'Hey,' she replies with a big smile. I smile back as I take the plate from her lap and immediately start eating, or trying to eat since she had put me in a stupid sling even though I was perfectly fine.

She looks out towards the walls and I couldn't help but look at her. Her hair was in a messy ponytail — most of the times it was — lose strands had fallen over the side of her face. Her cheeks were tinted pink, and her eyes, the feature I loved most, those warm, dark, brown eyes flecked with gold, staring at everything with such wonder and love. Wonder and love, even though this place was our prison and a place most hated, she stared at it with wonder and love.

By the time she turned to me I had finished the plate.
'So how was your day today?'
'Oh it was pretty good although I wasn't able to do a lot since I had a sling on,' I said, swinging my arm to show her it was perfectly fine.
'Stop doing that!' she shouted and grabbed my arm, 'your arm needs time to heal!'
'But its perfectly fine!'
'No, it needs time to heal, it you move it around it will slow the process of you healing and might also cause you to bleed again, which will lead to me making you wear the sling longer, is that what you want? No, I thought so,' she says with a huff. She stares out into the maze again. 'Newt,' she says suddenly without looking at me.
'Yes?'
'Do you, do you think there would ever be a chance of me going, going into the maze?'
'What?'
'Do you-'
'I heard you the first time.'
'So,' she still isn't looking at me.
'No.'
'Oh.'
'Why would you wanna go out there?'
'Well, I just, I, I find it kind of fascinating the maze.'
'Fascinating?' she found that shucking nightmare fascinating?
'Well, it's hard not to imagine what its out there and you know, what its like in there. And how it changes by it self at night.'
'Are you being bloody serious? You fine the bloody maze fascinating? It's dangerous out there, people have lost their shucking lives out there! It's a bloody nightmare! You've seen the nightmares, you've been to a funeral for shucks sake! You wanna know what its like out there? It's suffocating, it's enough to make you go mental, trying not to overthink, and scared out of your mind wondering if there's gonna be a griever every corner you turn!'
She stared at me wide eyed, 'Newt, that's, that's not what I mean it's, it's,'
'You have no idea! You have no idea what its like, wondering if your gonna die, wondering if you're gonna come back and find that one of your best friend's dead! You have no idea, what its like, watching all those boys the ones that I had trained, I had chosen, dying one by one. And the horror of having to pick another!'
'Newt!' she cried, wide eyed, she'd grabbed ahold of my arm. 'It's not what I meant I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry,' she reached out, as if to touch my face and I flinched away. Immediately, I regretted it when I saw the hurt on her face. And it was then that I realised tears were falling down my cheeks, I touch my face and wiped away the wet tears.
'I'm sorry, I just, I just need some time to myself.'
And then I was walking away. I hadn't meant to let all those emotions out on her, I hadn't meant to let them out on anyone. I had thought I had hidden them well, had kept them deep in the back of my mind. I suppose they had had to come out sometime.

Some gladers gave me sympathetic looks, others gave me curious ones as I continuously wiped away the never ending tears. I wasn't crying, I wasn't sobbing. I just had tears, streaming down my cheeks.

I found myself climbing the stairs, into my room. I didn't bother to open my light, or take a shower, or take off my shoes. I sat on the bed, scooted all the way against the wall and wrapped my arms around my legs, taking off the bloody sling in the process.

A while later, the door opened. I didn't have to look up to know it was her. I needed to apologise, I shouldn't have let it out on her. I looked up to see her standing in front of me, or her silhouette standing in front of me. She hadn't turned on the lights either, and I was happy she didn't, my eyes were probably as red as tomatoes from the tears.

'I'm sorry,' we said at the same time. For a moment we both stared at each other bewildered.
I opened my mouth, she beat me to it, 'Look Newt, I just wanted to say, that I'm really sorry, for, for reminding you of those things, you know. I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking straight, and I hadn't thought about it in your point of view and I'm just very sorry.' I stared at her perplexed, she had apologised first, but I still wanted to too.
'It's okay, you don't have to say sorry, it was my fault. I, I let all those emotion bottle up and I never told anyone, and I just hate the maze, and when you told me you wanted go in, I got mad and scared. I just snapped. I couldn't understand why you wanted to, I realise now it's only natural, and that you've never been in the maze. I-'
'Newt it's okay it's my fault, and I'm sorry. Please don't apologise to me.'
'Can we just go back to before.'
'Yeah.'
I patted the spot on the bed, she climbed next to me and sat with back against the wall like me. She sat with her legs crossed, I was still hugging mine against my chest. I could feel her arm brushing against mine slightly, it was enough to remind me of what I had thinking about before she had brought up the maze, I wondered if I should tell her, I wondered if I could tell her. I turn to face her to find that she was already looking at me. She offered me a small smile. I smiled back, and then, as if my body had been turned on autopilot, I found myself leaning towards her, just a little. Her eyes locked with mine and it was like we were both put under a spell. I stared into her eyes she stared into mine, and as we did, I leant closer, craning my neck so that we were the same height. We were so close, only a few centimetres apart. It seemed so hard to breathe at that moment, so scary, yet so exciting. And then someway, somehow, my lips were pressing against hers.

The kiss was like nothing I had ever experienced, and of course it wasn't because the best memory I could come up with was full of boys playing jokes on each other and laughing and sticking around for each other. This, this was different, this was sweeter, gentler, delicate. I pulled away almost as quickly as I had leant in. Her eyes were closed, as if treasuring the moment. My wounded arm was placed lightly on her waist. I scanned her face hoping for some sign that she could give me, something that would tell me if she felt the same way. When she finally opens her eyes, her eyes search mine, almost the same way I had done with her. She pressed her lips together and sucked in a breath.

And then she smiled. A huge relief and a rush of happiness washed over me, and I smiled back.

She scooted closer and placed her head on my shoulder, intertwining our fingers together, the way we had done so many other nights. We sat in silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence, it was more a comforting silence, and I welcomed it with open arms. It felt nice to just sit there in each other's presence, lost in our own thoughts.