RANTS

I AM GOING TO REGRET THIS//Why I Refuse to be in a Relationship

Hey guys. I was up late reading some Frerard fics (don't you judge me ok, I only semi ship Frerard, but I found a few good writers. Their stuff is really good and it just works) and I don't know, I don't want to sleep right now so I figured I'd write some stuff down here.

One thing I hate about cute fluff and even emotional fics is that it just doesn't work that way in real life. And despite knowing that, I want it. I want to be able to wake up next to some asshole who somehow puts up with me, make coffee at like ten in the morning for the both of us, then wake him up by putting on a voice changing Kylo Ren mask and holding a lightsaber near his face (shut up I know I'm Star Wars trash ok). I want late night binge watching of the Twilight Zone and Doctor Who with snuggles and cinnamon toast crunch in a bowl the shape of a shark mouth. I want to be in university and have my boyfriend walk me to class, bringing me a coffee with him. I want stolen kisses in the rain. I want the cute fluff, I don't want the drama, I don't want the pressures, or expectation.

I don't deal well with new people getting attached to me; I tend to be a bitch until I warm up to a few people, and then I annoy them until they can't deal with me anymore. Somehow, I've got amazing friends in my life, and they're better than I deserve. We're all affectionate with each other, but it's nice you know? No pressure. Just friends appreciating each other.

To throw a guy in that mix? That wouldn't go well. I've never seen a relationship work. My parents split up when I was young, and my dad was abusive and a total asshole to my mother and all of us kids. My grandparents don't get along, my dziadzia treats my Babci like shit to the point where she's in tears. My aunt is controlling and makes my uncle sacrifice all he'd like to have just so she can have what she wants. Relationships just don't seem to work.

I've never dated anyone. I've never particularly wanted to. I have had crushes before, don't get me wrong, but ever since I've been harassed, or dare I say abused, I just can't even get that close. I've had a guy three times hold me in a bear hug against my will for forty minutes. He restricted me, forced me to stay outside with him during the whole lunch period just off of school property, and wouldn't let me eat. He wouldn't let me go talk to my male friend who came outside to say hey to me. He forced me to have my sweater off, down to a thin tank top, and stared at my boobs to the point where I was terrified and felt disgusted with myself, hating myself because of how he was staring. The worst part? I had friends sitting right there beside us. They didn't say a word to make this stop. All I got was the next day all six of them joking about how he was "staring at my boobs like they were the last meal he'd ever have."

Needless to say, this has been the origins of my fear. I've had a few attacks happen since then, guys joking that they'll rape me, pulling up my school uniform skirt when they get the chance, touching me wherever they feel they want against my will, pulling me around like a rag doll for their amusement. Now, I associate any interest in me as negative. I'm so afraid of anything happening to me. I was walking in a mall a few weeks ago, and a guy stopped me, just to call me beautiful literally three times. I thanked him, but practically fled when he started walking away. I was petrified. Scared he would follow me, that he would chase me and force me out, to beat me or rape me, or do whatever he wanted. By the time I got into Spencer's where my mom was, I was shaking and barely able to stand.

I know it seems stupid, this intense fear caused by one person saying I'm beautiful. But you need to understand that I associate guys calling me beautiful with negativity; the guy who held me in that bear hug I had known for only two weeks, and barely talked to. Yet he called me beautiful instead of by name.

I guess my fear of relationships is mostly due to the fact that I'm afraid of being assaulted, or raped. I don't trust people easily, and guys even less. I can't let any guy hug me (aside from my one gay friend) because I'm always petrified that if they feel it's ok to hug me they'll want more, and strive for more. And don't boyfriends expect that in today's society? What happens if they can't take no for an answer? What happens if my fears, and my choices, no longer matter to them, just so long as they get what they want?

I've heard it all before: "not every guy is going to rape you." And I understand this, and know it to be true. However, in a culture where rape jokes, objectification of women and their bodies, and not to mention threats, are so common coming from guys both online and in person, how can I feel safe? Maybe it's paranoia. Maybe not. But you don't have the right to tell me what I can and can not fear, and you have no right to tell me that I have no reason to fear it.

I also have trust issues. Every person I've ever trusted has let me down, sold me out, stabbed me in the back of abandoned me. I can't even tell people secrets in confidence, how am I supposed to trust a partner? I will never understand how couples can fall asleep next to each other in perfect trust night after night, without worrying if the other will find it more convenient to kill them in their sleep or something. I don't understand.

Another reason I just can't do relationships is simply because I don't believe in love. Infatuation, yes, but not love. I don't believe this "unconditional" and "everlasting" affection and desire to care for a person can exist. I've never seen proof, and I don't think I'll ever experience it. Not only by avoiding relationships am I saving myself from potentially more daily fear, I will be sparing myself from being let down and getting hurt.

I also don't want to have a guy trying to control my life, telling me what to do and where to go, insisting that I stay home while he works, and make home perfect for him. I don't need to be turned into a cooking and cleaning housewife, I don't need someone asking me where I've been or what I'm doing. I don't need my friends picked for me, and I don't need to spend time ensuring I don't upset some fragile man's ego for my own well being. I don't need to be controlled and belittled. I don't deserve that...

To be honest, I can't picture myself dating, or married. I can't even picture myself being kissed. I think I'd honestly either break the guy's jaw or flee. I just can't. It's too much for me.

But maybe I don't deserve this love that everyone preaches to be so perfect, maybe I'm not destined to find it. Maybe I'm too damaged to be loved, or maybe I only will ever attract guys who will attack me. Maybe that's all there is, all that ever will be. Whatever the answer may be, I can't, and refuse to do relationships.

I'll just stick with the fluffy Frerard fics.