The Bitch You Killed

Bonus Chapter 3

Song of the chapter is The Pretty Reckless' Heaven Knows

Some people have asked for a chapter detailing Tyler's trial so here it is. Hope you enjoy it!!

They allowed my mother to come and see me before it started. She had this watery look in her eye. She kept pawing all over me and normally I'd fuss a bit because I wasn't a child, but now, I found myself craving the need to be a kid again. To go back before this ever started.

    "I really don't understand how this is happening," she mumbled, rubbing at her eyes. She wasn't wearing any make-up which was probably a smart move considering she was probably going to spend her time crying. 

    "I made a mistake," I said, my voice scratchy from disuse. "I deserve to pay for it."

She groaned, "I'm not going to fight you on that one. I don't want to believe you did it, I really don't know how this hasn't killed me."

I swallowed nervously. I wanted to hug her but I felt like she would pull away. I don't think my mom will ever be able to look at me like her son again. I mean, I did a terrible thing, but seeing her slowly pulling away from me was like the final nail in the coffin.

They ushered her out because the trial was due to start. I got led into the stand and looked around me. There was loads of people here, some I knew from school and then there was Khloe's family. In another time I would have smiled at them, but that wasn't exactly appropriate now. Not when I was standing trial for murdering their daughter.

The judge kept talking and I couldn't listen. I was just thinking about everything. 

I loved her and it was hard to explain. It was like a moment of insanity when it happened. I had been thinking about it for weeks and every loving word, every touch, every kiss we had made me feel like I wouldn't go through with it. I kept trying to back out but no one would listen to me. I didn't know I was the one who was going to actually do the shooting. But then Mackenzie told me I had to do it. I had to break her heart.

I didn't want to, Christ, I tried to say no so many times. I don't even understand how I ended up with the gun. I don't remember pulling the trigger. I remember the shot at the bar and the kiss. That goodbye kiss - it was so sweet and I could feel her love radiating off of me. I knew then that I loved this girl. 

But then something happened. I just turned off. I was like some sort of cold, unfeeling fucking machine for ten minutes but that's all it took for her to be dead. I didn't even have a reason in the end. I thought I was over the depression, the suicidal thoughts weren't coming around any more - not when I was with her.

And then I killed her and they're back. I don't know why I haven't done it yet - killed myself. What other option do I have now? I'm going to be locked up for life if I plead guilty. I mean I've already confessed so even if I say I didn't do it they won't believe.

It should have been me. I should have shot myself in the head, not fucking Khloe. I swear if I could take it back I would. I would take it back in a heartbeat. Some days I find myself wishing I'd never even met her. Maybe she was always destined to die. I saved her from that car only to then be the one to pull the trigger. Maybe I don't understand how I did it because it was some other sort of power using me as a pawn. Fuck, nothing makes sense anymore.

I confessed because she wanted me to. I have nothing anymore but I still have her in my head. It's like I'm reliving every little interaction. I'm thinking about her favourite ice cream and watching her eat it in my head. I can see her smiling at something I've said. I can see the freckles on her cheeks and nose when I close my eyes. It's like they're engrained in my brain now. Every single fucking second of every day all I can think about is her. Khloe. Khloe. Khloe. Khloe.

I didn't deserve her, I know that now. Everyone makes mistakes, mine was blaming her. When i pulled that trigger, I didn't just kill her, I killed my mind. I may as well be dead.

   "How do you plead?" The judge asked me finally and I looked over at her family, willing them to see I was sorry for what I had done.

   "Guilty."

this is short because really there is nothing to the trial since he pleaded guilty. Tyler's internal monologue is supposed to be frantic n stuff so if you think it doesn't make sense then that's basically why. 

thanks,

rachel // longtimegonex