The Bitch You Killed

Chapter Three

Song of the chapter is M.I.A's 'Bad Girls'

CHAPTER THREE 

Have you ever contemplated events that have happened in your life and realised that you made a huge mistake? Like, you said something that you shouldn't have said at that moment and fucked up a friendship. Or maybe you told a parent you "hated them" and then from there your relationship with them began to turn to ash as the fire from your hateful words destroyed it.

In my case it was a whole lot of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but that was after bitchy Khloe took over so I never really cared about the affect my words had on anyone. Before that, when I was sweet little innocent Khloe I mainly did everything right. I did what I was told by parents and teachers, I did all my homework, and I tried to help everyone- no matter how many times they had screwed me over or made me cry.

I was the definition of a 'good girl' and as a result of that I was treated like a door-mat. People used me when they needed help because they knew I would oblige, but then when I had helped them to the best of my ability they buggered off and left me on my own. Usually they threw in a few nasty rumours about me as a parting gift.

As a kid, I never understood why people didn't like me and treated me so badly. I mean I was friendly and eager to please. I was nice, but that is where the problems lie.
Nice girls finish last.
People liked authority and that was something little Khloe didn't have.
People sub-consciously looked for someone who would lead them and ignored anyone who couldn't provide an example.
People wanted dominant and 'cool' – they didn't want 'nice'.

'Nice' is simply an adjective used when no one can think of anything remarkable to say. Either you bore them or they don't care enough to use a few extra brain cells to boost your self-esteem because you aren't worth it. Would you rather be considered 'nice looking' or 'gorgeous'? Would you prefer to be a 'nice person' or a 'lovely girl'?
I think it's obvious – no one wants to simply be nice. It will never be enough for us or for the world around us.

There came a time when I realised that my 'nice' persona was what was keeping me from getting any power and having friends. I noticed that the people who were popular were feared so nobody messed with them. Obviously, that's what I wanted; I didn't want to be popular, but I wanted the security it would get me.
I was sick of crying over things people had said about me.

And so, that is how I became the person who would said awful things as a form of payback for the years I spent hurting from vicious words. The tides turned as instead of me being made to cry, I was the one making others cry.

For a while, it was perfect but that's the problem with tides. They may seem predictable as they ebb and flow, but all it takes is for you to go out too far once before you find yourself drowning without anyone to help you. It's the same in relation to your words. You can only push someone so far emotionally before they become vengeful and want you dead.

***

I remember the first time I properly met Mackenzie Rivers.

My parents had decided that it would be good for me to mix with some girls who I would be going to school with when I started after the summer; they loved that Tyler and I were friends especially because he saved me from getting hit by a car.

I think secretly that, my mum in particular, hoped me and Tyler would grow up and fall in love as she thought that his act of bravery showed that he would "always protect me". The cliché that my young teenage life was makes me shudder.