Sometimes things are hard [personal Journal]

Its not ok, "I'm" not ok

I don't think things can get worse. It's like I'm not even trying, and somehow I still seem to stress💀 myself out. It seems like all the stress just follows me everywhere.

The worse part is, I can't relax. I can't say or do anything without restraining myself. I have to make sure to be careful of what I say at all times, because if I don't, I'll say something I'll regret. It's slipped a few times, and I completely regretted it.

During the day I say "How you been?" To everyone. That's because, those are the words I want to hear. I guess for awhile I've tried to be the "💙caring one". I care more about other people than I do myself. There are a few times when people ask me how I'm doing. All I say is "I'm fine" or "Normal", but I don't think people understand that my normal and their normal, aren't the same. A normal day for me: is an overly stressed filled day with lots of sarcasm and pretending I care.

Have you ever been walking minding your own business, then you see someone and it's like your heart and stomach switched🔄 places? For me it felt like I was a mile high and I couldn't breathe for a moment. It was a mixture of 😨fear and 😄joy and 😥worry. It's hard for me to explain.

I really wanted to run in the opposite↪️ direction, but instead I speed-walked pass him, hoping that he wouldn't notice me.

Sometimes I feel like I just creep him out. I feel like I'm a complete inconvenience to him. To be honest though, he probably never thinks of me. To him, I'm just "there" and that's all there is to it. I'm that one weird kid in class. I'm a dark black spot in a sea of white. I'm just "there" and I probably shouldn't be. I feel like to most people, I'm a forgettable being with no real importance. In a few years I'll be forgotten, and if I'm truly honest, that's terrifies me.

Thank you for reading.