Follow The Rain

One

I glanced at my clock. 2:32Am. Perched at the end of my bed, I replayed the last weeks in my mind for about the trillionth time. What went wrong? I didn't see the signs, not one of them - if there were any.

I sighed and lay back down, holding back the tears. Now was not the time to cry. I needed to think, even though my need for sleep was probably greater.

Camryn was such a confident person. Her smile could light up anyone's day and despite the countless times we argued, she was one of the kindest and most beautiful people I knew. Why would she want to kill herself? It was like my mind was turning into a gigantic puzzle, trying to put together the pieces, the clues, the signs. It started to give me a headache.

I fell asleep eventually, only to be woken up again by a knock at my door. It creaked open and I squinted in the darkness to see my mom enter the room. She slowly came closer and sat down on my bed.

"Are you okay?" she whispered. "I heard cries coming from your room."

I sat up quickly. Cries? I was known for talking in my sleep, but never crying. "Maybe you had nightmares," my mom suggested, pulling my duvet up to my chin.

"Mom, I haven't had a nightmare since I was 9."

Then silence. My mom's face was tired and I watched as she fiddled with a thread on her shirt. She faced me and smiled weakly, defining the creases on her forehead. I knew she was trying. Trying to make this at least a little more bearable for everyone. But she couldn't hide the pain in her eyes. I knew that as much as she distracted herself from the truth, she couldn't hide it. That's what scared me the most.

"I miss her," I whispered.

"I know. We all do." She squeezed my hand briefly. After a few minutes she left silently and carefully closed my door behind her.

I don't know how long I sat there, but I remember it being devastatingly silent. I could feel the absence, wrapping the house in a blanket of emptiness. No more wistful humming or singing, no more smiles that brighten your day, no more dancing - no matter how irritating it became. No more petty arguments, no more jokes and remarks, no more conversations late at night, or talking through the walls, or even those random hugs that made everything seem okay.

No more Camryn.

It felt like a dream, but one of those dreams that feel so real it could almost be reality. So real my chest ached at the thought of it. It felt like a part of me was gone; in fact, a part of me was gone. Lost forever and hurting like I never could've imagined. It's funny. You think, in fact you believe your whole life that nothing bad will ever come your way, that it only happens in movies and soap operas. You spend your whole life thinking that everything will be okay and then just when it's finally perfect-

It's not anymore.

I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't remember the last time I had ever done that.

I woke up a mess. That wasn't so unusual for a Monday morning, but considering school hadn't started yet, it just seemed like any other day - except for the fact that my twin sister was gone.

Everything I did reminded me of my loss, not to mention just the mere action of sitting on my bed and listening to the silence. It was obvious, too obvious. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't believe it. Too many people called saying sorry. Sorry for what? My loss? Because it's not their problem and they don't have to deal with it? Yeah, I'm sorry too. A simple sorry didn't mean anything to me. Not one bit.