Follow The Rain

Twenty Five

I stepped into the road, feeling the rain droplets against my face as I walked. I knew the way; it was imprinted in my brain, instinct to my feet. It was only a matter of minutes before I reached my destination; rain lining my path and guiding me towards the beach. I let my hair cling to my face and allowed the wind to whip my dress about. My legs shivered in the cold but I barely noticed it. My feet walked on of their own accord.

Matthew.

Cold air seeped into the collar of my jacket, creating a hollow, a replica of the one inside my chest.

I'm sending this because somehow, deep down, I know that you truly cared for me.

I passed a stranger. I know because they greeted me and offered their umbrella. The kind gesture surprised me after all I'd seen and heard that week. I declined, wondering if the woman could sense my apprehension. Could she hear the beating of my heart? Could she see the trembling of my fingers?

I truly believed you loved me, you know that? But doubt overpowered that when you...ruined me.

I knew I was close, I could feel it.

I told you I'd never forgive you, but here's me considering it.

The wind grew harder so that it whistled past my ears. The sky was dark but I the light from the lighthouse shone into my vision. It was enough to navigate my way across the road.

You said you'd do anything. So I'll be waiting - you'll know where to find me.

I felt the familiar give of sand beneath my shoes. Slowly, carefully, I pulled off my boots and set them down behind me.

Ten minutes. If you ever really loved me.

I moved closer to the roar of the waves, shrugging off my jacket onto the dry sand.

9 minutes, 36 seconds.

I want you to know that I don't regret loving you.

My feet stepped onto the damp sand before the ocean.

Because it was all I needed in that moment.

8 minutes, 13 seconds.

That moment of vulnerability.

The icy damp stung my toes but still I continued, unravelling my scarf and placing it down. The sand sank in protest as I walked.

My vulnerability. I'll never forget how you took advantage of my disability. But I'll never be able to forget how much happiness you gave me. I wish I could.

The swash of the sea grew nearer, a sound close to home. A sound of joy and memories and power. A sound that made my skin prickle with nostalgia. Everything around me told me that I was here, I was where I was meant to be. In the salty air, beneath the rain with the melody of the ocean around me.

5 minutes, 27 seconds.

Caught up in the sensation of finally belonging, I almost forgot what I was waiting for. There was nothing more that needed to be done.

I loved you. That much I know. Perhaps too much for comfort.

2 minutes, 4 seconds.

The water met my ankles as if it knew I needed that simple sign of recognition.

Maybe I still do. I don't know. All I know is that I'm ready to let go.

1 minute, 53 seconds.