Follow The Rain

Twenty Four

For some reason, in the duration after my phone call with Matthew, a calm had settled upon me. It wasn't that I had come to terms with what I'd experienced. No. I had finally taken control and decided to protect myself. Matthew was no longer there to wound me and as much as it hurt to push him away, the pain was for my own good.

It was refreshing to finally feel in control again, but a small part of me wondered how long it would last. Matthew was gone, but there was nothing stopping me from falling over the edge. The calm was relaxing in a way, but the pain and heartache of his betrayal still lingered, gnawing at my insides. It was a hot, sticky itch in my chest telling me that I should never have trusted him from the beginning. But how could I have known? I was four when we met.

This thought reminded me of when we first became friends. He was the quiet one; I was the tiny freckled girl who spoke with a voice that could rival her father's. She approached him; she expressed her concern for the odd socks on his feet. She was the one who saw a friend in those hazel eyes - the same ones she'd fallen in love with fourteen years later. She was the one who saw his flaws straight away, but remained his companion all the same.

I was the one who started something that would shape me for years to come. And nothing seemed out of the ordinary, not to the four year old who saw light in every corner of darkness.

"...doesn't that sound lovely, Kayla? Getting away from all this. I'll contact Hillford, say you need time off-"

"No, that's okay, Mom. I don't need a holiday. I just need myself right now."

The problem was I was beginning to doubt who I really was anymore. I needed to be alone, to think, to breathe, to just be. To be me. The last time I checked, she'd been hiding away.

"Alright. Your father and I are just popping out to fetch some dinner. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"

I wanted to say no, what if he comes back? I wanted to grab her hand and ask her to never leave me again. But I just nodded and trusted that Matthew knew not to come near me again.

"Yes. I'll be fine. And - I love you."

"We love you," both my parents replied before stepping outside the front door and closing it behind them.

"So we have Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift...and...Taylor Swift," Chloe called from the other end of the room. I heard the stacking of CD's as she looked for something to play for me. "Which does your heart yearn for?"

I smiled at her antics. "My, there's just too much to choose from."

"What about..." There was a loud clatter and a groan from Chloe. Then the swiping of plastic and, "Oh."

"What is it?" I inquired, moving towards her and the CD collection.

"It's Matthew's CD...the one he made..."

"Oh." I knew I couldn't hide the sadness in my expression because the next thing I knew, Chloe was smothering me in a hug. It was sympathetic but also understanding and I didn't want her to let go, yet I was the one who pulled away.

"What happened between you two?" she whispered, holding my shoulders at arm's length. I sighed and shook my head, silently begging her not to make me explain. She seemed to receive the message and returned to fixing the CD's that had fallen. "I'm putting it on the table, just if you want-"

"Thanks, but no thanks."

I think she left the disc sitting in its case right on the table anyway, asking to be picked up and listened to. I ignored it.

"Taylor Swift it is, then."

The music was playing loud and clear, but I barely listened. The notes faded past my thoughts, the melody becoming part of the clockwork inside my mind. My emotions ticked slowly, one by one, like a time bomb ready to detonate. And I didn't think I could prevent the explosion from blowing me to pieces.

Chloe didn't want to leave, but I told her she had to. She should go do something fun - it was Friday evening after all. She agreed reluctantly and I was engulfed in an emptiness once she'd shut the door. An emptiness that was trying to be filled by the music echoing around me. I was aware that my head was wandering; to Camryn, to Matthew, to my parents, to Chloe and Jordan. Wondering if it was all still so real or a fragment of my imagination.

I knew that on the most part, I'd brought myself into this mess. Even if Camryn was the one who swallowed her end, I had cared too much. I was so dependent on someone other than myself, that it broke me, and just when I thought a boy had pieced me back together, he returned with a hammer. And I was the one who had had faith in him, who had blindly trusted other human beings without a second thought.

The realisation that all this was my fault sickened me. So much so that I keeled over the side of the couch and hurled the last small thing I had eaten that morning. I had to do something, I had to fix this fucked up situation that was shattering my soul into shards of agony too small to clean up. I had to take action. And that started with Matthew.

I could hear the rain starting to hit the roof again as I slowly traced my steps from my room and down the passage to my parents'. They called to say they wouldn't be home for quite some time due to heavy Friday traffic. I didn't mind.

I entered into a cold interior and sat down on my parents' bed. The mattress sunk a little at the weight. The rain gradually grew stronger until it was a steady rhythmic fall, a calm kind of storm. Kind of like the one inside me at the moment. I sighed audibly, the only other sound in the cool, empty house.

Minutes passed before I stood up and the left the room. I tried not to think about the voicemail I left for Matthew as I pulled on my rain jacket, a scarf and boots. I ignored the unsettled feeling in my stomach as I crossed the dining room, even though deeper down I felt truly content. I discarded the doubt I felt as I unfolded my walking cane. The rain was softer, but still steady as I opened the front door and breathed in the fresh air. My lungs accepted it gratefully.

I was finally doing something to fix this.