Follow The Rain

Four

The words echoed through my mind, repeating themselves over and over. Permanently blind. Permanently blind. Permanently blind. But this time I didn't cry. I took a deep breath. Breathing in and breathing out. Just simply. Nurses rushed around me and doctors spoke loudly but I sat quietly and ignored it.

They prepared me to go home and I ignored it.

When the time came to leave, my dad helped me stand up and walk to the door. I held his arm tightly but ignored his words. When my mother greeted me at the elevator, I smiled weakly. I accepted her hug but ignored the jacket she offered me.

Permanently blind. Permanently blind rang clear in my head as we drove home. I could feel the heat of the sun to my right but my parents were just fragments of sound. I ignored their small talk. The car came to a halt. My parents got out of the car. I opened the door and met the salty air. I sat and breathed it in, then stood up slowly.

"The doctor said my head might hurt once in a while."

"Did she?" My mom was in the kitchen cooking supper. I leaned back onto the couch.

"Yes." I rested my eyes, shutting them and listening to the wind outside. I lay quietly. I heard the trees rustling and the distant roar of the sea. I heard a cricket outside. I heard my mom's cooking and my dad talking on the phone in his office. I heard myself sigh and my mom too.

"You know, this sucks," I said loudly. "All of it. It's actually so pathetic."

"I know."

"No, really. It's hilarious."

"Kayla, please-"

"No, mom. Just think about it. Here we are, at home, feeling sorry for ourselves because someone we knew is dead and a part of my existence is gone. It's just too funny, isn't it?" I laughed. My mom stayed silent.

"I suppose it is," I heard my dad say. He came into the kitchen and chuckled. I opened my eyes, almost forgetting. "Maybe it'll come back." I sensed my dad coming closer.

"That's impossible."

"Maybe." He paused. "Do you remember when you were little and you used to laugh when I laughed?"

I shook my head.

"You also used to cry when I cried. And sing when I sang, and smile when I smiled." He sounded reminiscent. "And only now I realise why."

"Why?"

"Because Camryn did it too. You copied her and everything she did. Even though you were the older one. And she would copy me, and - now I realise that it's a cycle."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying all of that has changed. You and Camryn went such different ways and I'm glad. Because if it hadn't all changed-"

"I would be gone too." I took a deep breath. "Don't say stuff like that."

He said nothing, instead stood up and left. I knew I'd said the wrong thing but, right now, I didn't care all that much. All I needed was silence. No emotional talk. No deep stuff that gets me thinking. And I know that sounds selfish because he probably needed to say it. But I didn't need to hear it - I didn't want to hear it.

"I guess we're no longer friends." Matthew stood in front of me. I felt my hands shaking. "I don't want to be friends with a blind person. I mean, it's just too hard."