Follow The Rain

Fourteen

My friends didn't leave until the doctor told them they had to go. Chloe had baked a huge chocolate cake, of which I could only eat one piece without wanting to throw up. It wasn't bad - it was just too good. Before Matthew left, he placed an object into my hands and told me only to open it when I get home. I had nodded and thanked him. Then he hugged me briefly and left.

I arrived home the next day with a lighter heart than when I'd left two nights before. My dad made lunch and we sat quietly while we ate. I feared my parents were too angry at me to say anything so I decided to speak first.

"I never meant to go that far," it was difficult to talk to my parents in a non-sarcastic or harsh tone. "I'm sorry I caused you trouble."

My mother reached for my hand and squeezed it. "We're just glad that you're alright."

I nodded quickly and gave a small smile.

I wished I could say that things went back to normal after that but our conversation was still choppy and awkward. I knew my parents were trying to make it better for all of us, though. I appreciated that.

Back in my room, I sat on my bedroom floor with Matthew's gift between my fingers. I carefully unwrapped the tight paper to reveal a thin, flat box. I sat, pondering what it could be then decided to ask my mom. She entered the room and gently took the object from my grasp. I heard the crinkling of more paper then she returned it to my hands.

"It's a CD. There's a note. It says, For Kayla, I hope I get to hear you sing again one day." My mom paused. "How sweet."

"Just tell me what it is," I said, trying to ignore the blush that was rising on my cheeks. Before, nothing like that would've affected me. But now, everything he said held a different depth.

"There's two songs, and," she took the CD back and stood up. "He wrote them."

"What are you doing?" I asked but couldn't ignore how my heart swelled in that moment.

"What do you think? I'm playing the CD."

A moment later I heard the whirring of the disc in the CD player then the gentle notes of a piano began, carrying me away as the music flowed. What surprised me was the melancholic tone of the song. Then Matthew's voice filled the air, causing goose bumps. It was soft, but rough on the edges, almost similar to him in person.

My mom had left my room and I sat alone, but not completely alone as the music resonated around me. I smiled gently to myself and pictured him before his piano; almond eyes closed, a soft expression on his face and his light brown hair hanging over his eyes. His fingers glided across the keys, creating a melody right before my eyes.

I knew that in all the years I'd known Matthew, I'd loved him. I just wasn't sure now if I felt the way he did. We often used to sing together, with me playing the guitar. I thought of the fun we'd had, of the memories we'd made. All those years, just us. A lot had changed, but not what we shared. I suddenly felt very sure of one thing. No matter what happened, we'd pull through. Together.

The song ended and I cried for all the pain I'd ever caused him.

It was near five o'clock, two days after my birthday and I was beginning to think I'd ruined Matthew and I's relationship for good. I'd been so stupid to just sit there like a deer in the headlights, wondering what to do when he'd just confessed his feelings for me. I was still trying to comprehend the fact that anyone could love me after what I'd done, what I'd become. I convinced myself that he was going insane himself, just as I was. But then again, I didn't think he was capable of losing his mind.

I was sitting outside on the grass, taking in the cool air and ocean atmosphere when I heard his voice behind me. I shrieked in surprise, nearly leaping out of my skin and covering my mouth in shock. Adrenaline coursed through me as realisation dawned on me.

"Matthew!" I cried, frowning and swatting him on his leg as he stood before me. "I could've had a heart attack."

He just laughed and sat down next to me on the cold ground. "I know we haven't spoken," he started and I heard the caution in his voice, "but I don't want things to be awkward between us. I know what I told you was surprising and I'm sorry if I freaked you out. It's just, can we forget about it all?" He took a long breath as if he'd just been relieved of a huge burden.

"I didn't freak out-"

"I saw your reaction, don't lie to me, Kayla," his voice was low and it reminded me of his gift to me. "I just feel so stupid..."

"You're not stupid," I countered, picking at the grass with my stiff fingers. For some unknown reason, I felt myself growing nervous. It suddenly felt colder than ever in the late afternoon air.

"I guess I was foolish for thinking there was a chance you'd feel the same way," he laughed bitterly and I heard him snap a twig, sending a loud crack through the garden. "Man, I'm so stupid. I've ruined us. Why did I have to go and be a stupid teenager? I've ruined everythi-"

I cut him off by reaching out my hands to his neck and placing my lips on his - first on his nose by accident. This caused him to chuckle but then he grew silent when he realised what was happening. "You haven't ruined a thing," I murmured, pulling away and smiling slightly at his stunned reaction.

"What?"

My smile dissipated once I knew what I had to do. I took a deep breath. "This can't happen." Silence ensued for a minute before he responded. I bit my lip nervously and turned away from him.

"Then why did you kiss me?" he asked quietly and I winced at the emotion. More than ever, I wished that I would feel nothing again. Emotions were too difficult to handle. Even the good ones.

"It was an impulse, I'm sorry. But you'll only get hurt. Let's face it; every time I get back up, I fall again and it affects everyone around me. You've suffered enough." Tears threatened and I didn't know why I was getting so worked up.

"It's too late now," he replied, seeming distant. "What hurts more is seeing you in pain. I can't let that happen."

I shook my head in both frustration and regret. "I don't even know anything anymore. I'm too far gone."

"You'll never be too far gone," he whispered and I weakly shook my head as he pulled me against his chest in a hug. His heart was beating quickly in my ear and I swallowed hard, trying to stop the urge to cry. His warmth engulfed me and I tightened my arm around his waist as we swayed gently together. He sighed heavily from where his chin rested on my head.

"Thank you, Matthew," I murmured into his shirt. He hummed in response. "No really. Thank you. For everything; the gift, for not giving up on me, and putting up with me all this time. I honestly admire you. I'm a pretty stubborn person."

His chest vibrated against my cheek in quiet laughter and a small smile edged onto my lips. Then, softly and gradually loud enough for just me to hear, Matthew began to sing. The words floated off his tongue and soon enough I joined in, letting the music and the moment carry me away with it.

My heart swelled with an inexplicable nostalgia but it soon became irreplaceable happiness for the person holding me in their arms. I wanted the moment to last forever, like the stars that continued to blink above us every night. I never wanted him to leave and right there and then, I knew he'd always be there for me. And I knew that I loved him, deeper than I could ever explain.

The song ended and as our voices faded away together, Matthew tilted my head up to face him. His warm breath fanned my face and he tucked a strand of my auburn hair behind my ear. Then he tugged me into a tighter hug and left a kiss on the top of my head. We stayed there in each other's presence until the night was too cold to bear, sitting wordlessly in what felt like a warm haze that seemed to surround us. I knew that the moon was above us and the stars were blinking again, promising of a forever that we'd never have.

But I didn't mind. I didn't mind at all.