Follow The Rain

Seven

"Will you read something to me?"

Matthew paused and then helped me up onto my bed. "Sure. What is it?"

I took a deep breath before crossing my legs underneath me. "Camryn's diary."

"What? Sorry, I've had my fair share of girl drama this week already. My sister came home crying because her boyfriend dumped her, and then this other girl showed up at our house demanding India come outside. So she did, and the girl dumped coffee all over my sister's favourite shirt -"

"Matthew, please. Look, I'm sorry for you and all that, but this book contains the reason Camryn did what she did. I can't read it and I can't hear it alone either."

The apprehension resting on my shoulders seemed to be crawling down my back, causing shivers in my spine. I was actually going to do this. I was finally going to find out.

I heard him sigh. Then, "Okay, where is this book of secrets?"

15th March, 2015

Dear Diary
I have decided to keep this book to record my life from this day, aged sixteen. Well, I'm seventeen in two months, both Kayla and I. I think I'm old enough now to know that I won't remember much of my teenage years when I'm older. That's why I want to keep my memories in here so that when I'm older I can look back and reflect without the hazard of trying to remember and then causing a stroke in my old age.

Firstly, you should know that this is going to be personal. I want to write down every detail, every feeling, every moment. I want this to hold my late childhood like a written replica of my experiences. That's what this will be and I hope to start my very first proper entry soon.

May my memories last forever!

15th August 2015

Dear Diary
Today marks exactly five months since I started writing in here. I read my very first entry and couldn't help but laugh at how naive I was. I couldn't believe that the old me thought life could be enjoyable as a teenager. In just three months, a lot can change. I've learnt that now. Today I was sitting at the dinner table, watching my sister. She looked so happy, so free. I was jealous, I know. But soon she'll realise that life isn't all laughs and smiles. Soon she'll know what I do. Because I know that everything good eventually turns bad. Just like my friends, and my boyfriend and my term mark did.

I don't know when everything went wrong, it just started happening. One minute, I was the most sought after girl in the school. The next, I'm being put down by my own friends because my best friend wanted my boyfriend. They all went against me and now I'm alone. How could everything change in only three months? I used to be loved, now I'm hated. People used to compliment me, now they whisper rude remarks in the hallways. I used to be happy, and now I don't know what to feel anymore.

Now I'm waiting. Waiting for something to happen, anything. Just to make me feel better. To feel a little joy. But what do I do if that never happens?

23rd October 2015

Dear Diary
Today got me wondering about mankind. Will we ever stop lying and fighting and hating? I sure as hell don't think so. There's too many of us that think it's okay to hurt others. Like my friends. As I said before, a month ago I made two new friends. They were nice and friendly and didn't have the aura of a popular queen b. I was cautious. At any moment I knew I could mess up another friendship, but they remained loyal and honest. Until today.

I should've known that I couldn't trust anyone in the school but I let myself be dragged into a trap. It turns out that Lexi went behind my back, spreading rumours and lies about me. The only thing is some of it is true. Especially the part where I'm worthless. That's why I've been pushed around like a piece of trash, right? And the part where I'm attention-seeking - I can't help feeling lonely, so I have nothing else to do.

I am completely and utterly alone. The only friend I have is myself and Jess. Kayla doesn't know. She doesn't know and I don't want her to know. She's too happy and caught up in her wonderful life. I don't want to ruin that or worry her or make my problems hers because she's that type of person. She's hard on the outside, but I know that she's kind and caring. And sometimes I wished she wasn't, just so that pushing her away would be easier. She doesn't deserve it. I know. But she's getting it because I'm too scared to help myself.

7th December 2015

Dear Diary
I think I'm officially down under. I'm in an endless routine and it's doing nothing for me except distract myself from my pain. If my parents knew the person I am now, they wouldn't recognise me as their daughter. My only friends are Robin and Jess. I don't think they really care about me.

Every day is the same. Wake up tired and miserable. Go to sleep tired and miserable. There's things that take the pain away, but only for a short time before I'm hurting again. I guess that's probably why I get called a whore. There's only so many guys you can sleep with in one night, so you could say all my nights are full. It's a cycle. I know it's wrong and it's stupid and it's reckless but it works. For the moment.

I'm too far gone, I know. I haven't written in here for a month. I can't remember the last time I was sober after midnight and had a healthy weight. People ask but you can hide a lot with a smile. I know. I do that every day. Sometimes I wish I had someone. Someone I could talk to, someone who wouldn't leave no matter who I had become or what I had done. Kayla has that someone. I've seen how close she and Matthew are. He would be there for her in a heartbeat. I can't even feel my heartbeat anymore.

"Are you sure it ends there?" I asked, panicking. I needed to know more. Did she get better? Did she consider ever telling me what was going on? I hugged my arms around myself in the cold of the evening.

"Certain," Matthew answered, flipping through pages. "I'm sorry," he hastily added after I sniffed loudly.

"It's not your fault."

We sat in silence. I was still in shock of what I'd just heard. All those months I had been oblivious to Camryn's suffering. She'd been alone the whole time. I'd been living my life unknown to what sounded like hell she was going through. I shook my head, thinking of what I'd done if I knew. I could've helped her or consoled her or something. I could've stopped her. I could've stopped her killing herself. She'd still be here.

"What a mess," I whispered, resting my chin on my knees that were pulled in towards my body. I groaned as the familiar ache in my head began to seep in. It was too much information to process in a few hours. I needed a break from my thoughts that always ran wild like fire. I felt my fingers itch. I slowly pulled myself apart and walked slowly to where I'd attempted to collect the spilled pills only a few hours ago. Reaching out, I retrieved two.

"Kayla, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" I snapped too quickly. The room fell silent again with the only audible sound my swallowing as I took the pills.