Clouded (Jc Caylen fanfiction)

Chapter 14

{ I know some of you wont read this but i just wanted to say that the songs I listen to while writing this were - Who you are (Ed Sheerans cover), Iris (Sleeping with sirens cover), Hear you me (Jimmy eats world)  }

( Jc's P.O.V )

Let it go Jc, stop letting it get to you. I thought to myself as I sat in my computer chair resting my elbows on the computer desk with my head in my hands. I thought this was all in the past and I was over it but somehow it just kept creeping into my mind and taking over my brain.

Katie was not really what I expected. As we continued to see each other I began to realize she showed personality traits that didn't exactly match the girl I met at the new years party. She was what you could say bossy and rude at times and lately I have been starting to wonder if she was really the girl I met that night at the party. I wasn't that drunk and I know the difference between someone whose bossy and mean to someone whose quiet and nice. Something didn't add up but again somehow it all seemed right.

I don't know if this is what love was suppose to feel like because if it was it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, maybe she'd show who she is enough for me to realize I made the right choice. What happened to the girl I met at the party, would she show through over time or disappear forever?

I felt all this anxiety build inside of me as I wondered what the heck was wrong with me, she didn't like the way I dressed, the ideas I had suggested, or the way I ran my life. It was as if she was trying to mold me into something that I'm not just to please herself. I didn't know if I could deal with it anymore without it affecting me in a negative way.

My computer screen faded black from the editing window that was open moments before. I looked up from my hands and into the now black computer screen as my reflection stared back at me. I felt disgusted, the batman beanie that rested at the top of my head now felt wrong. Was she right? was I just pretending I was fine with the way I looked when I really wasn't?.

My thoughts were interrupted from the ringing of the doorbell downstairs and Wishbones barking. I got up from my computer chair making my way out of my room past my full body mirror. I stepped back in front of the mirror unsatisfied with the glance I got as I walked by the first time. I sighed deeply pulling the beanie off of my head and tossing it onto the floor before finally exiting my room.

I made my way down the stairs only to be yelled at by Jaylyn who had probably already answered the door. "Bobo! Ricardo's here!".

Ricardo entered the living room with Jaylyn displaying a smile on his face which seemed to faded when he saw the sadness in my eyes that I just couldn't hide.

Jaylyn looked at me concerned realizing my sad expression and said, "BoBo what's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry I'm fine" I said forcing a fake smile as I walk past her rubbing the top of her head.

"can I talk to you," I said to Ricardo no louder then a whisper

"yeah, of course" he replied looking at me with concern.

"I need to get some fresh air, just tell mom me and Ricardo went out for a bit" I said to Jaylyn.

"Okay" she smiled running into the kitchen with Wishbone closely following her behind.

Me and Ricardo headed outside and I sat on the curb with my hands clasped over my mouth. I looked down at the road beneath my vans trying to think of the best to start this conversation. He sat down next to me on the curb resting his arms on his knees as he looked at me with his deep brown eyes.

"So, what's up?" he asked after a long silence between us.

"Can you please tell me what's wrong with me..." I muttered out looking down at the road still.

From the corner of my eye I saw as he looked taken back from my words. "What do you mean what's wrong with you?, nothing's wrong with you" he replied.

I felt the tears begin to fill in my eyes as I looked down still shaken, "Why doesn't Katie love me..." I stuttered out looking over at Ricardo with tear filled eyes.

I don't know if Ricardo was shocked at the fact I was crying or that my anxiety and low self esteem was starting to come back. I had told Ricardo about the bullying that happened when I first started Youtube videos and it looked as though it broke his heart to see me like this again.

"Jc stop please, she's not worth your time if she's hurting you this much, I hate seeing you like this..." he muttered to me with sadness in his dark brown eyes.

"What if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, I want to find someone who will love me as much as I love them.." I gasped out as a tear fell down my cheek and landed making a small wet dot on the thigh of my blue jeans

"You aren't going to be alone forever, you'll find that special girl.." he replied trying to comfort me.

"But what if I don't....I'm 20 for gods sake and I still haven't found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with..." I muttered wiping a tear falling down my cheek.

" You need to break up with Katie..." Ricardo said.

" I..I can't " I spoke out shaken.

" why not " he said.

" Because...because what if I can't find someone else who will love me..." I said.

"Dude, if you don't break up with her, I'll break up with her for you, you're not staying with her and putting up with her bullshit." He looked at me intently as I looked over at him with a red flushed face from crying, "I'm not going to just sit around and watch her hurt you even more then she already has," he finished sharply.

"Thanks Ricardo.." I smiled a bit at him, " I don't know what I would do without you..."

He smiled back extending his hand out to my arm, expecting a light punch from him instead it was a gentle hand placed on my shoulder.

" Anytime dude...I love you " he said until his eyes widened in realization of how weird it sounded coming from his mouth, "I mean I love you like a little brother no homo" he finished instinctively as a laugh escaped my lips.

"I love you too Ricardo" I said as my eyes widened and a shocked expression was on my face to imitate him, "I mean like a little brother no homo" I finished making mine deeper only to mock the way his voice sounded. He laughed at me gently punching my arm before wrapping his arm around my neck noodgying my beanieless head as I laughed trying to fight him back with no prevail.

Later on that night I laid in my bed wide awake staring up at ceiling deep in thought. I know I had this conversation with Ricardo and I would break up with Katie and It would all get better. But the thought still occurred to me from deep inside my brain as a fear. What if i will never find the girl that loves me for who i am. beanie and all.

( As I wrote this the tears where poring out of my eyes, it's been a long night, dont look at me. Sorry i just miss Ricardo. Well i hope you all enjoyed this as much as i did writing it )