In Principio

i dont want honorable mention

I am not superficial. I will never be trivial. I fear the day that I become mediocre. Average. Because I expect so much more out of my life, because other people are supposed to be okay with B's, and second place, and lowering the bar. I'm supposed to go to Ivy League, because in-state is nothing I'd even deign to consider. I'd much rather not exist than be remembered as anything less than Lisa "the smart girl" or Lisa "the one who knows the answer" or Lisa "who is good at basically everything" because that's who I've always been. Talented. Multifaceted. Selfish. Driven. Blind.

And I was like that for a very long time--until high school. Nobody knows you in high school except the kids from your middle school. You have to start fresh, make a new ideal, a better ideal, prove yourself and project it the way you want. When you start to do that, in the beginning, it's easy: just do what you've been doing all these years: be you. 

And it works for a little while. But not long enough. Because high school is so much more different: it's the real shit with drugs and failing, it's hard as hell and really brings you down to what you value. What you want and how hard you're willing to work for it.

You begin to change-- it's slow and unrecognizable, but if you pay attention you can see that it's visible. And I don't mean your body or grades because my grades are still good (although my definition of "good grades" has definitely been altered (it was a subjective subject to begin with)) and I'm slightly curvier but I'm getting over it. I mean you. As a person. I have my ups and downs, feel like complete garbage whore trash one day and feel like a fucking badass queen the next, and call it hormones or angst I don't care, but change is a hurricane that you will not avoid. You may value different things, diminish importance in others, maybe even approach some topics with a view you never thought you'd get, and it'll be amazing and shocking and appalling and confusing and normal. Just don't lose yourself.

Lisa is still who she was, but she has changed. She has realized she is bisexual (something she didn't label but faintly knew through interactuons) and will most likely attend in-state by choice. She has laxed her importance on grades significantly and understands her health and well being (mentally and physically) is much more important. She is happier, and her friends call her "the English major". Lisa didn't lose herself: she evolved to survive her environment. She's not honorable mention, but she knows and has seen lots people who didn't place that fair way better than grand prize, and knows that it'll be okay. She'll figure it out.

Everything will click.