In Principio

the shower

I feel like I'm about to rip my hair out
do you understand? no
I feel like I'm about to lose control and cry because something violent is thrashing in the pit of my stomach, crawling up my chest and out my eyes
do you see it? no
so I just repeat to myself "just wait for the shower, can you make it to the shower?"
and I remind myself that I can let go in the shower, and I'll be hidden in the shower; no one will see, no one will hear.
because what I do in the shower is sin.
When I'm collapsed over on the tub floor heaving crying screaming in pain no one will have to witness me my failure and I can let go of everything I'm holding on to, struggling to bind to hide and its a gory scene; heroic to myself pathetic to you but it keeps me going.
my shower is not your shower.
you feel water on your skin I feel the slight singe of bitter resentment
you feel heat I feel a welcoming scalding burning my skin raw
you'll be cleaned, but I'll only be worse.