A Collection Of Phan One-shots (Boyxboy)

Clouds

Summary: Dan, a chain smoker, believed his life was over. A dead man waiting to be taken. His future was bleak, and he accepted this...until he was introduced to the sun behind the smoke clouds.

The relief, the comfort, the relaxation. Smoking was so heavenly. With every puff, a weight was momentarily lifted from my shoulders. With every inhale, life became more tasteful. With every cigarette, I was undone.

The clouds of smoke were a beautiful sight. The grey of the soft trails as they vanished, dispersing through the air like watching a magnificent painting in the making. The waves of smoke disappear, as did my happiness.

But I was fine. I knew this, and it didn't bother me. I was contented with this routine of temporary euphoria. How else could I had gotten through my first two years of high school?

I used to talk myself out of it more than once. I had excuses like "death," "addiction," "losing myself." No wonder I continued, all those were crap!

I didn't care. I liked the risk. I embraced the losses I had to lose. I sent them to the edge of a cliff, and made them fall by my own fucking hands. I loved it. I lived for it.

Success was never something I wanted. I accepted earlier that I was a lost boy, destined to always be inside the forest, death by my own fate. I had no control over my life, and I had no intentions to retrieve the driver's seat. Might as well have some fun.

To me, smoking must have been a funny metaphor. The smoke, with its sad and grey vapours, was the beautiful obstacle blocking myself from my future. The sun was no longer visible to me because of the self-inflicted smoke clouds getting in the way of the sun's rays. This was keeping me entertained as I wasted my life away.

But it all changed when I hit third year. Smoking only came second to YouTube. My friend, who later admitted to showing me his subscription feed to distract me from my dangerous habit, became my saviour. He had known himself alone would not do, so he got outside help.

YouTube became my new cigarette. Although, old habits die hard. Everytime I wasn't seen with my eyes glued to a monitor, I was smoking my lungs dry. I was still in deep.

Summer of 2009 had rolled around, and I found someone who stood out from the other YouTubers. Apparently he also found me, and we quickly became friends online. Only online. Even though he wasn't physically present, I could feel him beside me. He was so attentive to me and kind. He knew about my smoking addiction and why, despite knowing the risks, I was still doing it. He never said anything about it, just letting me talk and listening. Attentive and kind.

October 2009 came and passed, and I wished time never moved so quickly. He was gone after I said "hello," or so it seemed. I loved him; I knew this. But that was one of the secrets that I won't tell him.

I never smoked once during my visit to his house.

We met again on October 31st that year. I was scared yet joyful. During the days leading up to my train ride to Manchester, I never smoked so much. It eased my tense muscles and cleared my restless head.

I don't know how it happened. We were at the Halloween Gathering, sitting by the fountain. All was innocent and calm.

"The stars look so beautiful, don't they?" Phil mused. I lifted my head to the twinkling light then to Phil. His pink lips turned up in a smile and blue eyes reflecting the burning balls of gas he had been admiring. This was beautiful. He was beautiful.

"You're beautiful," I said without thinking.

Dammit, I needed a cigarette.

"What?" I heard Phil ask. I refused to look at him, finding my shoes more interesting.

"I-I said, 'Yeah, they're beautiful.'"

"No." His deep voice lowered an octave, husky and sensual.

My heart leapt in my chest.

A hand on my chin directed me to look at his big blue eyes. His face was so close, merely inches from mine. I felt myself blush under his gaze, but I couldn't look away. He was so captivating.

"Look at me." I was more than happy to oblige.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"You're beautiful," I breathed out. Phil's lips turned upwards in a grin, tongue sticking out between his teeth. Adorable.

"Really?" He moved in closer. I felt my lungs getting more desperate for air. Our foreheads touched and noses centimeters apart.

"Don't flatter yourself, Lester," I managed to say despite the growing need for oxygen.

He was leaning closer, and I was too. I could feel his breath. Everything else was drowned out and dimmed. The music, the conversations, the lights, the people...

People...YouTubers...cameras...!

"Wait!"

My heart broke with regret, but I had to tell Phil.

Phil...he looked disappointed and confused but most of all concerned. Concern for me? He pulled away until not even our foreheads were touching.

"What's wrong?"

"Cameras," I said, brief and clipped but he understood.

"Are you worried about them?"

My channel was so little, no one would even notice. I shook my head. "Not really."

Phil smirked. "Then what's the matter?"

I found it hot.

He moved in closer, and I met him halfway. Everything was on fire. His lips were soft, and I melted. My hands clasped around his neck, pulling him towards me. His hands ruffled my hair, tangling his fingers in the strands.

I felt intoxicated.

He was my new addiction.

Kiss after kiss after kiss.

I never wanted to pull away, but it had to be done. Our foreheads touched again. I was desperate for air again.

"I don't care about the other YouTubers," Phil spoke, his voice deep again. "I only care about one."

My cheeks flushed pink. He managed to see this, even under the spell of nighttime, and giggled.

"You're so cute!" He smiled with his tongue poking through his teeth again. I loved it when he did that. His smile was brighter than any star in the sky, more intoxicating than any drink, and more addictive than any cigarette.

I no longer wanted to block out the sun with the self-inflicted smoke clouds anymore.

The End