Impossible to Forget

Chapter 1: Holy Matrimony

The largest, most sincere smile I could muster was plastered over my face because I actually was happy. However, no matter how happy for Naruto and Hinata I was, I still hate weddings. I hate dresses. I hate the stuffy traditions. I hate having to pretend like I'm having the best day of my life in order to make someone else's best day exciting. I hate the superstitions that accompany the big day. I hate all the mushy feelings. And if I was being honest with myself, I would admit that none of those are the real reason why I hate weddings.

One, I was jealous.

This was what my wedding wasn't. I had pretended like the happy bride-to-be to make Toukuro happy, but it was all a lie. The genuine love between this happy couple was something I'd never experienced and something I had fully given up on expecting to happen at some point in my life.

Two, I felt guilty.

This was what Toukuro's wedding day should have been. This is what I had taken away from him with my selfish need for some semblance of love. He had died so young, and the least that he deserved was a wedding day that was filled with real love, not a one-sided lie. "Forever in Love." Please, I don't know if I'm even capable of loving someone romantically.

Three, I just don't have the patience for a wedding.

Patience may be a virtue, but it's one that I've never had. I like schedules and precision and working overtime to get things done. My world is one that I keep orderly and neat and punctual, and patience just doesn't fit into that equation. And weddings... They take forever. How long can you drag out two people saying, "I do"? Apparently a pretty darn long time. I mean, it's just four words total, people, do we need to spend the entire day focusing on them?

Granted, my lack of patience for weddings was most likely stemming from my jealousy and guilt which dragged out every second like it was an hour and every hour into a mouth as I went over every detail of my own short lived marriage in my head, over-analyzing and fretting.

My legs slid against each other uncomfortably under the dress that I had been forced to wear to this occasion as I pined for pants. I only ever wear pants since I wear the standard jounin uniform of the Shinobi Union everyday, and not having the two comforting cylinders of fabric made me feel naked even though the simple kimono I was wearing was technically more clothing than my usual jounin uniform.

So yes, I was happy for Naruto and Hinata, but I was secretly hating life as I sat in my stuffy dress for the third hour of the reception while sipping on a small cup of celebratory sake, using all my self restraint not to down the entire bottle set at the center of my table. Anzu was here, and I couldn't be a bad role model like that in front of her. Her biological mother had drunk herself to death, and I was determined to not be similar to either of our mothers.