Impossible to Forget

Chapter 20: Food for Thought

Much to my eternal surprise, adults can have birthday parties. It was pretty much Anzu, Hanabi, Tadao, and Naruto (the children because let's face it, Naruto is still internally a child) playing games while everyone else drank wine or coffee and talked. Oh, and ate cake too. Who knew that Yamato was such an amazing baker? He's really been holding out on us.

According to the other people there, it was pretty much your standard social gathering. Not that I would really know. I cherish my reclusive nature and introverted tendencies, and Toukuro was an introvert as well so we really didn't do the whole young married couples get to together things that most people did.

God, my life is so lonely and depressing (excluding Anzu, of course). But, even though I recognize this, I still feel zero motivation to get up and change it. With the average shinobi lifespan at about thirty years (and at only about twenty-four during wartime), many ninja feel the need to go all out and live as much as they possibly can before their early deaths. That never motivated me. The people that I love have a tendency of dying, the conversations that I have with most people are boring and dull, socializing brings nothing but stringent and hard to follow social rules and pretending that you like people even when you really don't prefer humanity as a whole, and it brought with it the unknown. And by god, the unknown is scarier than a hundred rogue ninja out for your blood or a psychopath mother, your pick.

The door to my office swung open and Kakashi strolled in. I just raised my eyes at him scornfully for his lack of consideration before turning back to the paperwork that I had been busy with before my mind had wondered away from me.

"I came by to let you know the travel plans for tomorrow. What are you working on?"

"ANBU mission reports, thinking about social lives and delicious cakes, pondering my lonely lifestyle, and deliberating the unknown, rogue ninjas, and my mother. Pretty much your standard existential crisis."

Kakashi appeared slightly taken aback, but he just nodded, "Interesting."

"I mean, why are we even here? We blunder around the world, guided by our emotions and our hormones over our logic and better sense. Doing things that will eventually fade away completely, and loving people who will all die at one point or another. Even the most accomplished person will die, and in the end, you'll always be alone no matter what you do. You can't take your accomplishments with you into the next life if there even is one. And honestly, if there's nothing after this, eternal damnation or salvation, or reincarnation, I don't really care. Not that it would make any difference in how I live my life anyways."

I looked up in time to see Kakashi blink slowly.

"I just wanted to let you know that the ANBU security detail will be at the gate tomorrow morning at seven. But, I mean, pondering the secrets of the universe works too."

I blushed and ducked my head, "Sorry about that... It's just one of those days."

"No, no, it's fine. I was just not expecting to question the meaning of life, but that's all food for thought, I guess."

I honestly have no idea where any of it came from. This is why me having enough free time to think is a bad thing.

I gave a weak nod, "Yep, food for thought."

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a nice lunch."

Kakashi left just as abruptly as he came, and I groaned and banged my head against my desk. Lunch. Another joyously uncomfortable team lunch with Sadao and Jukouro. And I had to leave soon or I'd be late.