I was staring at the roof. The house was filled with silence, and I was the only one awake. The alarm clock would go off any minute now, it was just a matter of time.
Different thoughts were running through my head. Hopes. Would I fit in this time? Would people finally notice me? Would I dare to be myself for once? I went through the same thing when I started in Junior High. Hopes of being better, being one of the popular girls. One of the girls all the guys would be drooling over. But I never got there. Every year I thought to myself, I'm going to be better this year. I'm going to change. But that was a lie, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit in. Now, I was given a new chance. High School. I had even spent my summer watching stupid videos on YouTube about how to talk to guys, and I was actually convinced I'd make it this time. But as I was laying there in my bed waiting for the alarm to ring, I was starting to doubt myself. The low self esteem were coming back.
Any time now the alarm would go off and give me a tiny heart attack, even though I was prepared of it. It happened every single time. I sighed and looked out of the window. The sun was slowly rising, and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Everything was quiet. Awfully quiet. Only a distant sound of people in cars rushing to work.
It was 06:45 in the morning, and the alarm finally went off. I instantly grabbed it and turned it off. Even though my alarm had the sound of a calming harp, I couldn't help but hate it. Most people have noisy disturbing alarms. Obviously because that's the only way to get them out of bed. But I'm not like that. Even the smallest noise would wake me. I'm a light sleeper. People who can sleep anywhere and at any time annoys me. Because I'm unable of that. If someone walks by my room, I wake up. If a car drives by my house, I wake up.
I have trouble falling asleep too. Al these thoughts going through my head, keeping me from my sleep. Imagining different scenarios in life that would never happen. Especially dreaming about boys. Boys I could never have. I was too afraid to even smile to them in person.
The time was 06:50 now, and I slowly lifted up the covers and placed my bare feet on the cold floor. As I stood up I almost tripped in a mess of wires. I silently cursed and grabbed my gray and white morning robe and folded it around my shoulders.
My room didn't have a heater as my parents hadn't got to installing one yet. They're slow like that. They never seem to get things done. Not that I blame them. I'm like that too.
Chills where running down my back. I shouldn't have left the window open last night. I just hadn't adapted to the fact that the summer was over yet. And now my room were freezing cold. I reached for the window and closed it. Much better.
I could hear someone fumbling around in the room next door. Probably my twin sisters starting to wake up. I grabbed my towel and a comb and hurried to the bathroom before anyone else got there. If they had to pee, they'd have to wait. As soon as I closed the door, I locked it. Wouldn't want anyone coming in while I showered now would I? The bathroom was maybe even colder than my bed room. The windows were wide open, but I didn't even bother to close them. I slipped of the morning robe and had a quick look in the mirror.
My hair was a total mess. It was literally a bird's nest. I hadn't had much sleep either, as I stayed up late thinking about what would happen today, so I looked pretty tired. Actually the right term to use would probably be exhausted. My acne was getting better though. But my shoulders were still filled with it, as was my back. I let out a large sigh, then stepped into the shower and turned it on.
The hot running water felt amazing after standing on the cool bathroom tiles in only my panties. I usually sang a lot when I was showering. But not today. It was too early in the morning for that. And my voice were pretty husky after a night of sleep, so I would probably sound horrible. Instead, I was just standing there, looking at my feet, trying my best not to judge myself. I was pretty skinny, and I had a pretty nice figure, but that wasn't enough. I was still not happy with myself. I don't think I ever will be.
I turned the shower off and began pouring shampoo in my hair. Then soap on my body. I hated how pale I was. I never seemed to be able to get a tan. I got that from my father. Stupid genes! Both my sisters always got a really nice tan, and I was sitting there looking like a ghost. You have to be outside more, everyone tells me. But it's not that. I've tried, I really have. But it doesn't help. And I have to use tons of sunscreen not to get sunburnt.
