to be thin (frerard)

Floating on Flowers.

  Although me and Gerard had stopped talking, I never stopped thinking about him. As I counted out my dinner, one, two, three, four- I haven't spoke to Gerard in four weeks- five, six strawberries. No, too many. Four. 16 calories. Plus a cup of broth. 5 calories. 21 calories for dinner adds up to a total of 251 calories for the day. With my mother out its easier to eat less. Old Gerard would be proud. He would congratulate me. But this twisted version of Gerard would have yelled at me. He would have- no.
      I cant think about him. I cant think about any of this. I'm arranging my dinner on a plate. I am not thinking about Gerard- I wonder what he's doing- I am walking up the stairs, slowly, this time. We don't need another accident.
  When I finally get to my room, my mind goes crazy. Why does Gerard want me to be fat? When did his mind change? Why did his mind change? Should I get healthy-fat- for Gerard?
  I throw my plate against my wall and run to my oasis. The cool glass sizzles against my hot skin. I strip my clothing off  and close my eyes as I step onto the scale. I hear its mocking words in my snake infested brain. "Don't open your eyes, fatass," they hiss. "You're not gonna be happy."
   I finally open my eyes. The numbers shout at me, mocking. Seventy two.
I scream. I don't see much, just glass shattering against my wall. I run into my bathroom. Somehow blood got on my face and its stings my pale skin. I want out of this body. I tear open the cabinet and take out the crazy seeds my doctor prescribed me. "like they would help you," the snakes say.
"Shut up. What do you know, anyway." I shout.
"More than you ever will,"

I run outside after i throw on my jeans. I walk up to Gerards house, jumping up the stairs. Static is blasting in my ears, but I still hear the shaking pills in my pocket. I leave the shitty note on his doormat. I don't bother ringing the bell.
I make my way to the field. Its a nice day and the flowers look beautiful. Im taken back to the day that I told Gerard he was beautiful. Oh, I will miss him. I think of him while I sit on a patch of flowers, sinking. I think of him while i struggle with the child safety lock. I think of him while pop the pills one by one into my mouth. I think of him while my mind starts floating way past my body.
Im almost there.
Im floating.
I am finally floating on flowers, like i wanted. I am finally beautiful. Gerard will finally love me. I am no longer a child.

Wait.

I hear someone calling my name, am I in heaven? No way, it sounds like Gerard. The snakes were right those pills wont help.

I feel someone pull my body up. I am finally free.