to be thin (frerard)

new beginnings

The beeping and sound of the iv is constant and loud in my ears as i slowly gain consciousness. I take a deep breath and look down.
I'm in a gown covered by blankets.
I have a needle in my arm.
I have another tube down my throat.
I take another shaky breath and sigh.
I wasn't floating on flowers. I failed once again. I try not to think about the calories being pumped into my stomach, or the iv filling me up with fluid that is causing me to swell up like a balloon.
I close my eyes and try to sleep, but i'm interrupted by my mother coming walking in with a nurse.
"Oh Frankie," she shakily says. I hate seeing her upset.
"Please don't scare me like this ever again. We have to get you better. You have to get better. You can't keep living like this, you are going to die. I can't see my baby die." I swallow and look at the poster about the importance of washing your hands.
"I almost lost you," Lather soap and water and scrub well beyond wrists for twenty seconds, "If Gerard hadn't found you you'd be gone"
Oh.
Oh.
Once again, Gerard was getting in the way of what I wanted. What we wanted.
"Where is he now?"
"At home. He came and sat with you once we were allowed to come in. His mother and I have been speaking a lot. We both think you two might have been bad influences on each other. But Gerard has been getting better and I think it would help if you had another stay at New Leaf."
"Mom, please. They didn't help me before I can't go back."
"Frank, you didn't try last time. You didn't want it last time. I want you to really think about how you want to live. I want you to think about your future." My heart monitor beeps faster and faster.
"I don't want a future. Why doesn't anyone understand that. Do you think I would do this to myself if I was excited for the future? How do you think I will live? Not being able to go on a dinner date or fuck, a meeting where they have free bagels? Do you think that's how I want to live?" I sink back into my tiny bed and cover my face with my hands. I know she's right. I know everyone is right.
"I'm sorry, mom. It's just hard"
She holds my hand and gives me a gentle hug.
I don't want to be cold.
I don't want to be reminded of flowers or pills or razors or diuretics.
"Ill go." I whisper without meaning to. I don't even know if I actually said it until my mom looks up. She has tears in her eyes. I know I didn't have a choice, and she knows I know that.
-
A few hours later, I'm being wheeled out to my moms car. I'm not allowed to move at all.
The car ride is quiet, but not in a bad way. I know my mom is hopeful, and maybe I am too. We pass Gerard's house, and I try not to look.
"We're here," My moms says in a singsong voice. I wait for her to bring the wheelchair over to my door, and ignore her look when I take a step down avoiding her helping hands.
She goes over the plan for the next week until the bed opens up at New Leaf.
My ears ring and my brain goes crazy. Ensure, three meals, three snacks, no bathroom without supervision, door comes off the hinges, scale is hidden, mirrors are covered. I take a deep breath. And another.
"I know it's a lot. But the better you do here, the easier it will be at New Leaf." Again, I know she's right. I slowly nod. I ask to go to my bedroom, and she helps me get there.
"Can I have my phone?"
She glances at the hospital bag hooked on the wheelchair. She hands it over and I turn it on.
23 missed calls.
35 texts.
All from Gerard. I delete them, not wanting to be reminded of my failure. But I begin to type.
"Hi," I begin
"I'm home now."
Send.
Three dots appear to the left. Then, disappear. Then appear.
"You really scared me."
I close my eyes.
"You hurt me." I type and delete this multiple times.
He knows this is his fault.
I want an apology. But I want to forgive him.
"I don't know what to say."
Send.
"I know. I hurt you too. Can I come over?"
I don't know if I'm ready.
What if he thinks I look fat?
I shake my head and begin to type.
"Yeah."
-
ok obvi this will be updated again i haven't written in so long soo lmk how it is. also i know it's inaccurate with the hospital, him not being on a hold or any thing! don't take this as fact it's just a lil story haha. Also if i do mention weights again they probably will be adjusted just for the sake of an easier weight restoration process for frank.