The Perfect Storm. . . . Book 1

This can't be real. Chapter 6

"Fear has a large shadow but he himself is small."

Ruth Gendler

His voice startles me out of my thoughts but his arms being around me has caught me off guard. Even though I know it's Chris here with me, I'm still startled by his touch. Even though his touch feels safe, I can't help but wonder what it is he wants from me? I mean he has done more for me in a day then most have in my lifetime and normally when folks do anything for me there is a high price that I must pay. No one and I mean no one has ever considered my feelings, no one and I mean no one has ever given me a compliment, I've never ever felt safe with anyone outside of myself. So, I wonder, what is the angle, what is it that he wants from me?

I hate that I love the feeling of being in his arms, I hate that it feels so right but so foreign to me. I don't know a gentle touch, I don't know or understand compliments, no one does anything for anyone without a hidden agenda. Why me? I've never heard anyone say that I was worthy of love or someone wanting the person that I am. All I have ever heard is that I'm worthless and no one is ever going to want me past a lay. I've only heard the bad that is me, never have I ever heard I was beautiful. I cant get too wrapped up into this, into him, the past has shown me. Love isn't for someone like me and once it is found out that I've been passed around more than most the females I talk about at school. Its going to be a done deal; I will be lower than them. I would be a hypocrite on the highest level. A catch 22 for damn sure. Damn if I do and damn if I dont. What might save me is, they set their self-up to be passed around and I didn't have a choice. Does this make it better or worse? Hell, if I know but I do know Chris is not the type of guy to settle for less when he doesn't have to. So, there would be no reason for him to settle for me.

Chris wraps his arm tighter around me. I turn in his arms until we are face to face. I stare into his eyes searching for something that can reveal his intent and if his words hold any truth. I just stare at him and the more I do, the more I see why this can never be with us. He is not meant for someone like me, he is for a female who is pure and isn't afraid to be who she is meant to be. He deserves a female with worth, with a peaceful and untainted heart. Someone who chooses to give her body to him for the first time, not someone who could never do that because it was robbed from her, not someone who was passed around like a Philly blunt at a party. Someone who doesn't fear their reflection, someone who is proud of who they are, someone that the world deems acceptable. I am none of that, I carry myself as if Im, but the truth is. I'm not, I'm scared of the pure thought of someone finding out my past. Finding out that even my own mom didn't want me. Someone who fears shadows that lurk in her own home in the dark. I am the monster everyone is scared to speak to or about. I am the entity that hovers over a family that doesn't want her but tolerates her being around. Someone like Chris will never see me as anything more than broken because that is what and who I am. The surface doesn't reveal what lies beneath.

Just then I realized that this beautiful creature before me would never accept or want me once the truth is found out and that crushes me. There is no happy ending for me, this hell will be my endurance and secret forever. This breaks my heart as I stand and look into his eye. This with us can never be, a friend is all I will ever have in him. Before I even realize it, the tears are streaming down my face. I guess Jay was right when he said, "no one will ever want you. Once they know about you, you will never be more than a piece of ass." I try to compose myself because I know what crying gets you and I don't want Chris to hit me for crying. Every time I've ever cried, the tears were beat out of me or ignored. I buried my face in his chest and I guess I just let loose of all the years of wanting to cry but I knew they were wasted tears.

Chris says nothing and just holds me till I stop crying. The shame I feel at this very moment won't allow me to look at him, I don't want to see pity in his eyes, I don't want to see my worth he had for me fade, I can't allow him to see the shame that is evident in my eyes. Chris takes my chin in his hand and lifts it up until my eyes meet his. He looks in my eyes with so much concern and worry, He slowly wipes the tears from my eyes. With no words, Chris takes my hand. We walked to the car. He opens the door for me, I get in and pull my hood over my head. I sink down as low as I can in the seat, Chris walks to the other side and gets in. We sat in silence for a few minutes. He starts his car, and we are underway. I lay back with my eyes closed. How the hell am I supposed to face him now? He probably thinks I'm a nut job now.