Forsaking Lilly

Chapter Eleven

I didn't sleep well that night. My thoughts ran about me and rushed on to new topics before I could catch them. The only resurfacing thought was my mother. Over and over, I played back what I said to her. I looked for ways to rephrase the harsh words, I thought of other parts of her speech I could have attacked. But as the sun began to rise the next day, the only thing that I was decisive of was that I should have never questioned her love for my father.

 As the time continued to pass I noticed that  little by little my room grew lighter, but I still hadn't heard my mother let herself in. Worry bubbled up from the bottom of my stomach and ,immediately, I tore myself from my bed.If something happened, I thought, it's because of what I said. I swallowed  and chucked my clothes off as I weighed the truth behind the thought.

If something had happened to my mom, then I was an orphan. Sure I had aunts and stuff, but we weren't that close to them. Could I even handle being an orphan? I knew that, more than likely, it was nothing like Annie, it was probably more depressing than comical. Besides, despite how I felt sometimes, I could probably never survive without my mother.

After stumbling to my closet, grimacing about a shower, and pulling on some different clothes, I left my room and went down the hallway. I made it around the corner and stopped dead in my tracks. On the couch, in the den, sat my mother. Here eyes were bloodshot and her hair was a mess.It was obvious that she'd been up all night but had she been crying? I stood there baffled, wondering how I didn't hear her come home.

" Oh, Calla," my mother's voice was harsh and quiet, " good morning honey."  Wow, I thought, even when she feels like crap she's polite. I went over and sat on the couch beside my mother, wanting to get a closer look at her but also wanting to soothe her. Sitting next to her, I could see that her face was wet and some tears had not yet rolled down her cheeks.

I had no words to say to my mother, seeing her like this was enough to prove that she did love and miss my father very much. So, instead of being harsh with her, I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. Immediately, she burst into more tears and I realized that never had I seen my mother cry ( at least not hysterically).

" Cal, you have no idea how much I miss him." Those simple words filled my soul with guilt. This was worse than when I lied to my mom about breaking the Vase from her great grandma, and I thought that I could never feel any worse than I had. I felt silly and stupid for treating her the way that I had, especially since she was going through all of this pain.

" I couldn't stand the thought of staying there without him, Calla." I nodded my head, easily sympathizing for my mother's loss. I was pretty sure that even though I loved my dad a lot, her pain was probably more deep than mine.

Sniffling, my mother wiped her tears away and wrapped her arms around me as well. I think we both came to terms with the fact the we were all that was left.

It was a mutual decision that I wouldn't be attending school today, instead we'd do simple errands around the house and watch movies. I didn't mind doing this, of course. It would give me the time to see more of the town and get a better feel of the people and such.

Neither one of us said a thing about my mother's breakdown, she went back to being preppy and I went back to keeping to myself. Occasionally, though, I'd notice that she'd stare off into space with a glum expression and then snap right back into being happy. This made me wonder how many other things my mother suppressed on a day-to-day basis. I'd always just seen my mother as a person who wasn't very affected by anything, but maybe they affected her a lot and she just didn't show it.