Forsaking Lilly

Chapter Twenty Four

I woke up from my dream in a cold sweat, with the terrifying sensation of hands all over me. I shivered, once or twice, feeling my hysteria trickle down my back. My mind reeled, my room virtually spinning. Never, ever, had I felt this way, and my head pounded as if in agreement. My hands flew to my temples and I rubbed, willing the tension here to release. The pain disobeyed, unfortunately, and my stomach lurched in an awful way.

Fresh Air, gotta get some fresh air. I found my legs swinging over the edge of my bed, and then felt the cold wood panels beneath the pads of my bare feet. The world shifted beneath me, and I closed my eyes until I felt more balanced. What had me so disorientated, what had me so punch drunk? Sure my dream was a bit crazy, but I didn't think it was crazy enough to make my body react like this.

I lost my train of thought as I found myself pulling on sneakers, and a coat that I had lying around. I got myself all wrapped up and then headed for the french doors. I could feel cool air drifting in from beneath them and began longing for it more than anything. Call me crazy for wanting to be out and about in the middle of the night, but I wanted this more than anything.

Impatiently, I pulled the doors open and stood in the doorway, drinking in the beauty of the night. A full moon casted its light down from where it hung almost directly over my back yard. It luminated the shadows, and shimmered off the trees. I sighed in bliss as the wind picked up and whipped my hair across my face. This was heaven, and thankfully I didn't feel as strange as I had inside.

As if I wasn't in control of my own body, my legs started forward, pulling me towards the treeline. Mentally, I was a bit reluctant. I didn't think it would be too great if I got lost again, especially since no one knew where I was or what I was doing. I thought to turn around or go back, thought about it twice, but my body contiued to move forward, pulling me deeper and deeper into the untamed sea of trees.

As I walked, a billion reasons why I should turn back clouded my mind. I wanted to agree with every single one of them, I wanted to go back, to slip into my bed, to close my eyes and drift back into my deep sleep. But, as my feet crunched through the streams and rivers of fallen leaves, I only wanted to push forward.

I decided to just enjoy the walk, and turn back in a little while. I needed time to clear my head anyways, needed time to think about Cooper. Just how broken was our relationship, and why did he leave school? Just because we weren't getting along right now didn't mean that he needed to skip out on his education. Sure, it was just health, but it still counted towards his grade. He wanted to graduate right?

I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders as if to push off the care. Who was I to dictate what he did with his future? Even though I knew that I had no control, deep down I only wanted the best, but if he was going to be petty with me, then I was going to tell myself that it didn't matter.

I stopped in my tracks, my head dropping. I sighed, wishing that I had all the answers, wishing that I had someone or something around to guide me. It wasn't fair that all the weight was pushed onto my shoulders. What right did he have to dictate what I did? I tried to hold my head high with dignity, but it drooped. If I really believed what I was telling myself, then I wouldn't be standing infront of his house.

I looked up and confirmed it. I had walked all the way to the treeline of his backyard. I didn't plan to go any further. I didn't really even plan to come here, it's just where I ended up. I shifted, uncomfortably, on my feet. It was strange, but I felt more calm standing here, knowing he was inside.

Was it pathetic? Yes. Did I feel humiliated?  Yes. Was it necessary? Not really. But none of these things were important. What was important was the way my heart was beating, fast and uneven. In my mind, I replayed him walking away, replayed sleeping in that tent with him, laughing with him, staring at the light on his face. It all burned in my mind. I thought about walking up to his front door, knocking, and begging for forgiveness. But in the end, my pride wouldn't allow it. I was just turning to head back when something rustled in the trees next to me.