against the works of the flesh//frerard

chapter eleven

no better.

It starts out with the hottest dream he's had so far, so different from the usual hot kisses, handjobs and blowjobs. This time, Dream Guy was blowing Frank as he lay on his single bed and, at the same time, he was fingering Frank's ass. Never before had Frank had anything up his ass, but he's heard that it's pleasurable. In real life, he might be worried about the pain, but this dream makes all those fears disappear and Frank feels actually a lot of pleasure from the fingering.

The down part, of course, is the urgent need to jerk off in his morning shower. He tries to let his cock go down by itself, seriously wishing that it would, but of course it doesn't obey him. Ever since Sunday, when his mother walked in on him again, she has been filling his head with ideas that masturbating is morally wrong and a direct disobedience to God's laws of chastity. And if it's morally wrong, it's a sin and, although Frank has never seen anything sinful about doing it, he can't deny that he's starting to doubt his own mind. He has been raised Catholic after all. Suddenly, he's divided again, between the Catholic sense of right and his teenage sense of need. Maybe he'll talk it out with Father Way.

Then in school, in his homeroom class, they are asked about the essays and Frank has to tell his teacher where he's getting his information from and he obviously talks about Father Way and his precious help. Still, when he has shut up and Sister Janette moves on to the next student, Frank can't help but remember Father Way's books. It's the worst place to be in right now and Frank is hard before the class even ends. He feels the heat on his cheeks and, whilst his classmates kind of laugh at him, Sister Janette seems very worried and sends him to the nurse's office.

In there, Frank does admit that he feels a little sick and, a few minutes later, he throws up into the toilet and lies on the stretcher for a good half hour. He misses his next class entirely and Lukas and Jonas come pick him up on the next break. Frank is still feeling light-headed, though, so maybe he is getting sick and not just flustered from the hard-on.

That night, nothing gets better, of course. Frank has that last dream all over again, the blowjob and the harsh laps of Dream Guy's tongue on his cock, Dream Guy's palm on his balls, Dream Guy's fingers in his ass. This is too much for one guy alone. Frank moans out and trashes about in his bed, and the idea of sin comes back to him. He can't help these doubts, but he wants to work on them soon.

Thursday morning, Frank wakes up and he's sweating and shaking all over. He's hard too, and it hurts as a living hell, but he refuses to jerk off. His morning shower consists of Frank talking himself down about all the issues he's dealt with after these dreams and especially about this new belief in sin. He's a teenager, so he should be able to feel and think like one, and jerking off has never been a sin to him. In the end, as the hot water rinses his body, he feels frustrated at his own stupid mind that seems to be giving in under his mother's devotion. He's not like that. He's his own spirit.

Then he turns the other tap on and stands there, not moving, under the cold stream of water until his frustration turns into cold shivers. He feels sick and tired of these dreams and wishes them away, as he wraps a towel around his middle. In his bedroom, he looks down at himself and feels ashamed for the first time in a long time. He's been ashamed of his body before, when he didn't know why he couldn't like girls and talk about them like his friends did, and when he didn't know that homosexuality was after all okay because God loved him the same. It's been years since those feelings faded away, but Frank knows why they're back. He wishes them away too and gets dressed in his school uniform, before it gets too late.

After that morning, he spends this Thursday pissed off at everything and everyone, snapping at his friends and even at his teachers. He just wants to get the fucking dreams and the things they imply out of his mind, just like all the memories from having read Father Way's erotica books. He isn't supposed to know about them, so why can't he just forget about them? Why did he have to snoop around, looking at things that are none of his business?

When the school day ends and he goes to church with his grandfather, Frank kneels down on the first pew, quietly. He empties his mind of everything and keeps looking down, with his hands intertwined under his forehead. He avoids everyone that passes by because he just wants to be alone with God today. He needs this.

Father Way comes after a long time and kneels beside Frank. He speaks, but Frank just listens. "Is everything alright, Frank? I can understand if you want to be alone, but you know you can talk to me about everything. We don't even have to get up."

Frank doesn't reply, at least not immediately. He reminds himself of the recent issues around masturbation being a sin after all, but he can't bring himself to talk about it just yet. Father Way remains kneeling down and crosses himself at some point, probably starting his own prayers. Frank lifts his head to him when his mind fills once more with the thoughts that have been provoking him all day, but he only asks one thing of Father Way: "I need to be alone, please."

The priest crosses himself again and gets up, leaning one last time toward Frank. He says, "You know I believe in the power of words. I'll be in the back room. Come see me when you're ready."

Frank doesn't say anything. He can't be anywhere near Father Way today; he can't bear the thought of proximity toward anyone that reminds him of how much of a sinner he might be after all.

Later, he takes it all out on his guitar, playing harder than ever during their band practice in his parents' garage. He's focusing on stopping his confused thoughts. He knows there isn't a way to control his dreams, but he's starting to feel like he should be strong enough to fight them and not let them bother him any longer. Still, he plays to keep those mental images at bay and to stop seeing himself as an unclean person.

He starts playing the first song he ever learned on guitar and his bandmates follow his lead, even though he has never been a leader. For the next hour or so, they only play their favorite songs, barely stopping to talk, and Frank is very glad about that. It's the best way for him to work his aggressions out on his own with his guitar. In the end, he gets really pissed off when seven PM comes and their band practice ends all of a sudden.

He snaps at his mother more than once later on, even before dinner is served, and then he snaps at his grandfather, during dinner, despite the old man's approval of Frank's actions in church today. Nobody understands that he's not feeling like himself today and Frank is ordered to stay downstairs, after the meal is over. His mother makes him wash the dishes and stands beside him, watching him closely. She says, "I think you need to chill out. If there's something bothering you at school, don't get it out on us."

"Go to your room," she orders, when it's done. Frank doesn't even react; he just obeys and goes upstairs. He takes a swift glance at the book on the desk, the one's he's supposed to read next for his essay, but he just wants to forget the annoyance he felt through the whole day. That's when his eyes flicker toward the bookcase and to his Bible. He thinks about reading his favorite Gospel, but he realizes it will only remind him of Father Way and decides against it. He can't deal with any more frustration, so he picks up his copy of Brideshead Revisited. It will keep his mind off everything for a while. He strips down to his underwear and lies in bed, sitting up against the headboard, comfortable under the bedding.

However, he can't focus on what's he's reading, but it's really quite obvious why that is. Frank closes the books and fingers at the title. At the same time, he takes a look at the book on this desk and realizes that there is another cover like it sitting in Father Way's top shelf, hiding a very different book inside. Instead of getting worked up about it, he tries to come up with a plan to tell Father Way that he knows about the porn and that it's bothering Frank, because he's dreamed of Father Way and thought of Father Way while masturbating and all the tension it's creating is getting him frustrated because he's a teenager and his hormones are all over the map.

He needs to get this out; otherwise, none of it will get any better.