Dawsey| Above the clouds

15

Do not engage. He just told me to stand down and not help the people that are in the cars in front of me.  That's not okay.  I need to help the people, I won't let more people die on my watch. I've already taken the life of a baby and I'm not going to let anyone else die in front of my face.

I stare at Chief for a brief moment before I start to walk toward him with long, angry and threatening steps.  When I approach him he crosses his arms over his chest and give me a determinate look.

"Chief, what's the problem here?" I ask madly.

"The problem is that you can't keep your shit together and not be man enough to ask for help" He reply.

The answer he gives me is so accurate and crystal clear that I have to ask myself if he knew from the beginning what I was going to ask him.  It almost feels like he has been standing in his office, practicing that special sentence so it would be as powerful as possible.

"And just the though that you let your pregnant wife take the hit, makes me sick" Chief continue.

I turn my head slightly to look at my friends and co–workers, doing their best to save as many lives as possible. I want to get out there and do my job because if I don't, people will die on my watch and I can't let that happen again.

"Why can't you just let me do my job!?" I yell at him.

He stare at me. It a burning gaze that's slowly getting inside of me and it's not going to make it any easier.

"How am I supposed to do that when you can't even stay cool with me?" He say.

I melt inside. What he just said was so true that it hurt. Words hurt. My dad always told me "It's gonna' be okay, only words bleed" I always heard that when the bullies had gotten upon me or when I had fallen of my bike.

When I was that little ten year old boy I couldn't understand what he meant with it but now as an understanding and knowing adult I know what he meant with it and I just experienced it.

Though I don't really agree with the "only" bit. I wouldn't say that it's the only thing that bleeds. To make the quote complete I would say something like "Only words and feelings bleed" but it doesn't sound as powerful as the original one, that's a shame.

"What do you want me to do? Stand here like an idiot?" I ask.

He need to realize that I can't stand here and do nothing. I have to do something, now, and not in five days. But chief won't let me do a single thing. He think I will screw up and make bad decisions because of all that happened but he's wrong. I will only make better decisions because I won't let anyone die.

"That's exactly what I want you to do" He reply.