Dawsey| Above the clouds

16

The way home feels even longer then the what it took to get to the scene. I'm doing my best to not look at everyone who's staring at me from their seats in the back. The anger within me is boiling up and I need to keep it inside to not scream at anyone. And if I want to work any soon, I should keep kalm.

"Is everything okay lieutenant?" Herrmann asks.

Herrmann is the most caring person I know. He cares a lot about everything and everyone, and I appreciate that. Everyone can need a bit of love from him now and then. I love to talk to him but not now, now is not the moment to talk to me.

"All good" I say without looking back at him.

We reach the house and I barely let Otis stop the truck before I open the door and get out. I step out of my boots and leave my pants stuck to them, and I hang my jacket over the door. As usual I leave my helmet at my seat.

Since my third day as a firefighter I've always left my helmet on my seat because of one particular reason. On my third day we got a call on the middle of the night and I was sleeping really deep. When I got up from my bed and rushed out to the truck I couldn't recall that my helmet was at the floor a couple of feet beside my boots. Yes, I went to a scene without my helmet and my chief didn't like it.

Since then I've always put my helmet on the seat because that way I won't forget to bring it with me.

I walk straight to my office and avoid every single person. I don't want to talk or look at anyone right now. I peek into my office to make sure Gabby isn't there, and she isn't. It's all empty, and clean. Last time I left my office it was really messy and sometimes I couldn't find the things I needed. Now it's all back to what it used to look like.

I don't get to go into my office before chief call my name.

"My office now" He say.

I turn around and start to walk toward his office. When I get there he's sitting down in his chair, resting his arms on his desk in front of him.

He makes a gesture with his hand, it shows me to sit down in the chair. I do so. But I'm not comfortable enough to be able to lean back and take a deep breath. Instead I sit straight, maybe a bit leaning forward and my breaths are short and almost aggressive.

"I had the baby, if just had kept moving through that building a little bit faster that baby would still be alive" I burst out.

He looks at me. "Don't do this to yourself" He say.

"I agree that it's sad but it doesn't mean I can't do my job" I say.

Chief keep looking at me, and it's like he's searching for something. A sign, an expression, something. And if I don't know what he's looking for then I don't know what to give him.

"I can't let you out there yet"

"Why not?" I ask loudly.

"Because it'll get inside your head and throw you of your game" he say.

"How am I supposed to get of my game if you don't even let me in it?" I ask.

"You are gonna' take some time of and spend time with your wife, no discussion" He say and show me to leave he room.

How am I going to do that when my wife and I can't even talk to each other without staying calm?