I Never Had a Choice

Chapter 14- My Greatest Desire?

I keep walking until I turn the corner into an empty hallway. I'm livid. How dare he. Using Lucius against me. Acting like he did nothing wrong.

Before I know it I'm punching the wall. I'm pissed. I can't control my anger anymore. I keep punching the wall. I hear something in my hand break, but I don't feel anything. I'm powered by pure adrenaline by this point.

Fuck Lucius.

Fuck Blaise.

Fuck this school.

I can't do this anymore. There's too much going on. Everybody around me is going somewhere. Everybody has somebody to talk to.

Everybody but me.

My best mate betrayed me and used it as a joke. Lucius is out of the question. Mother has her own problems. I pushed Pansy away. She was annoying beyond all hell, but she was an easy shag to take my mind off everything.

I keep punching, but I'm slowly losing it. I yell. I keep yelling at the top of my lungs until my voice cracks. I don't know when it started, or how long I had been here, but I feel tears rolling down my face. I sit with my back to the wall, my knees to my chin. And I cry.

I cry for all the people we lost in the war. I cry for all the people I watched die, and didn't save. I cry for disappointing Lucius. I cry for not being better. I cry for all the times a normal person would have cried, but I was stone cold.

I could feel my walls falling with my tears. There wasn't anything I could do about it. I had been a statue for so long. Never having the ability to cry. A person can only be strong for so long.

Ding. One. Ding! Two. Ding! Three. I count as the clock sounds in the distance. I've been here for five hours...

I get up. Wipe my eyes and continue walking. I look back and notice a door where I had been sitting. I was punching a wall, not a door. I look around. It's the only door in the once empty hall. I walk to it, get my wand out, then twist the door knob. It's unlocked. What the hell? I walk in and look around. It's a dusty room with nothing in it but a giant mirror. Strange.

I'm not sure why, but I walk to the mirror. It has Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi engraved on it. I look at it. And notice that I'm not the only person in its reflection. I look around. I'm alone. I turn back to the mirror.

I can't see the person's face, but it's a girl. Waist long hair, that's bushy... Granger. But her face is blurry. And we're hugging. Then we start kissing. You can see how much we love each other just by the looks on our faces. How I touch her lightly, but firm enough for her to know I'm there. There wasn't anything sexy or uncomfortable about watching the kiss, it was passionate, but sweet.

I feel an ache in my chest, a longing to have a love like that. Then I realize, this is the Mirror of Erised. My greatest desire is Granger..

It must be confused.

I keep watching, hoping to catch a glimpse of her face. To confirm my theory in a way. Then, reflection me hugs her and winks at me. But her back is to me, so even without reflection me attached to her face, I can't tell for sure that it's her. But I'd recognize that bushy rats' nest anywhere.

*+*+*

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. All I could think about was the mirror. How could she be my greatest desire? That can't be right.

I look at the alarm clock on my bed side table, 6:35 a.m.  I guess I should get a shower.

I crawl in and let the water fall over me. I don't feel anything, so I turn up the heat. It's scorching, but still nothing. So, I turn it all the way down to where it's freezing cold. Still nothing.

I finish up my shower and get dressed. I look outside and see that it's pouring down rain. Great.

*+*+*

After I drift through my classes, I skip dinner and go to the common room. I can't be bothered to see those Slytherins.

I sit in my common room and stare into the fire. I hear Granger come in. Great, just what I need.

"Why weren't you at Dinner?" She asks.

"Why, did you miss me?" I sneer.

"I just noticed you weren't sulking around. Sorry." She snaps back.

"Don't apologize, it makes you seem weak."

"You would know all about being weak. Wouldn't you, Malfoy. That's what you're known for." She spits back.

"Oh look, the Brainbox thinking she knows everything." I'm on my feet now. I stride toward her and can see the fear in her eyes. "Ha! And you call me weak. I can't even walk toward you without you flinching away."

She looks me straight in the eye and says, "Who would be scared of you? You're nothing but a bouncing ferret. Nobody fears you anymore! You're losing your hold on people."

"Really?" I say as I continue toward her. "When was the last time you hung with the Wonder Twins? Or any of your other Gryffindors? Where are they now that you're in Ravenclaw?" By now I'm two strides from her.

"Come any closer and I swear I'll kill you."

"Oh, but Darling,  don't you see? I'm already dead." And with that, I left the room.

I go outside and stand by the Black Lake. Why do I do that? She was just checking up on me. Making sure I'm okay, yet I push her away and am rude to her. She's my greatest desire-apparently- and yet I make her hate me more. If she's ever going to give in so I can have her, I must be vulnerable with her. Become her friend. Then, just maybe, we can figure everything out.

"What're you doing out here? It's pouring down rain and it's freezing. Are you crazy?" I hear someone say behind me.

I turn around and see Granger. Doesn't she understand that I don't want to be around her? I know I need to be nice, but can't she just leave it be? Why must she need to fix me?

"I find peace in the rain." I reply blankly as I turn away.

"What do you mean?"

"I find peace in the rain. Every time it rains I can't help but think how everything gets cleaned. The beasts all get bathed, the dirt settles, it's almost as though the entire world is getting baptized. I find peace in that because, maybe, if I stand out here long enough I'll be baptized. Then, maybe, my sins will wash away with everything else. Then, maybe, I could start anew."

"Has it worked?"

"You tell me."

"I just wanted to know if you wanted to be civil. I mean, we have to be near each other, share a common room, whatnot, for the rest of the year. I just think it would be better if we got along. You know, so we don't get kicked out?" She asks. I can tell she's uncomfortable and I can hear her walking towards me.

"Fine."