I Never Had a Choice

Chapter 38- Proclamations

"I don't think you understand, Blaise.."

"What is there to understand? Isn't it good that Lucius is innocent? That means you don't have to hate him, what am I missing?"

"It's not that simple! He still betrayed us! He still let his Death Eaters into our home! He still tortured and killed people in our basement! I don't thing you get it..." I explain. "I can't stop having nightmares about it..." I whisper

"Dray, what do you mean? When did the nightmares come back?" Blaise asks as he watches me carefully.

I continue staring into the fireplace, "I've been having them since the day Lucius took me to the manor. I suppose he didn't take me there, I just ended up there. I dont know anymore, Blaise. It just seemed so simple assuming Lucius killed Mother..."

"Are the nightmares like they were before?"

"They're always of her..."

"How long has it been since you last slept?"

"Three days," I shrug and finally look at the dark skinned wizard. "I'm scared to close my eyes because every time I do I just see those same eyes and hear that same song being sung."

Blaise studies me, "What song?"

"That muggle one that was played at the ball. It's by like the giggle dolls or something stupid like that."

"You mean the Goo Goo Dolls?"

"Yeah, I guess. Anyways, she's constantly singing it in my dreams, but when she sees me she starts screaming and crying. It's like when she was at the manor all over again," I explain.

"How do you get her to stop?" Blaise inquires.

"I either wake up or I throw a hex at her..." I shrug, "then the scene changes and I'm the one torturing a faceless person."

"Have you tried a dreamless sleep potion?" Blaise suggests as he sits next to me.

"It doesn't work, it just makes the screaming quieter, but it doesn't completely go away," I state, "It's getting late, I should probably go back to my dorm. You need sleep, I'll leave you to it," I stand up and make my way to the exit of the Slytherin commons.

"Draco," I hear Potter say from inside.

I turn to the raven haired boy, "Yes?"

"Talk to Mione, it may help. If nothing else, she's wicked good at charms to put you to sleep. She did it for me all the time," potter explains.

"Thanks," I reply with a nod and leave the common room.

*+*+*

"You should talk about it, Draco."

"I don't need to, I'm perfectly fine," I reply cooly.

Granger rolls her eyes at me, "You don't have to act like that, y'know. If I was in your position I wouldn't be okay."

"Well you're not in my position, are you Granger? You're not me, you don't know what's going on," I snap.

"Why do you do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you act amazing one moment and then biting my head off the next? Why do you act like you like me and then turn around and act like a complete arse to me? Why can't you just open up to me?" Granger pleads.

"Because I'm a Malfoy, I don't get to have emotions or feelings. I don't see why you feel the need to try to force something out of me that isn't there," I snap.

"Because I know it's there! I've seen it!"

"You don't know anything," I sneer.

"Draco Lucius Malloy, take the damn mask off when you speak to me," she seethes.

I visibly flinch at the use of my full name, "I can't."

"And why not?"

"You scare me," I reply.

She studies me, "Why...?"

"Because when I take it off I tell you things I don't even know how to tell myself."

"Oh, Draco..." she steps forward, take any face in her hands and says, "Tell me. Spill yourself to me. I want to know everything about you."

I study her for a moment before I lean in and kiss her gently, "People do not always put up force fields to protect themselves, but to protect those around them. I need to protect you from me. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not the monster you believe yourself to be, Draco. I've lived with you for months now, and you've been sweet and caring, that is when you actually let your guard down..."

"When a monster stops behaving like a monster, does it stop being a monster?" I interrupt.

"Sometimes you have to do bad things to protect those you love, that doesn't make you bad. You never had a choice, Draco," she justifies, "You love so fiercely that you can't help but give yourself up for those you love."

"Then be with me. That's what I want, but I know you won't do it. You have your friends and the entire school looking up to you. You have an image to uphold, and I would shatter that. I'd hurt you and your image. I can't allow that. I know you're afraid of Love and everything that entails, I can't ask you to face that with me," I explain.

"I don't want to be scared to love anymore. I want to be able to just jump in and not worry about the consequences. I want to wake up every morning and not worry about what people think of me. I want to just live my life and not be afraid of if my parents or friends approve of what I do. I want to feel freely and fall freely. I don't want to be afraid. I want to feel love again and not have it be accompanied by fear. I want to give myself wholly to someone and not feel like something bad is going to happen. I don't want to feel ashamed of who I am. Because I don't even fully know who I am anymore because I've been so afraid of everything. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to worry if everybody approves. I want to be me. And feel love and pain freely. I don't want to run away from feelings anymore. I don't want to do what is expected of me anymore. I don't want to be somebody I'm not anymore. Because there is only one me and only every going to be one me, so why am I wasting it trying to be someone I'm not? I'm going to love and not worry. I'm going to act without cowardice. Because life is short and you only have one shot. So why not make the best of it?" she replies.

"You mean you're willing to do this with me?"

"Yes." She answers in almost a whisper. "I choose you, Draco, and everything that that entails. Just, please have mercy on my heart."

"I promise."