Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Jokes #61-92

Joke #61
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

Joke #62
A guy tells his psychiatrist: 'It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the email."

Joke #63
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Joke #64
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I'm thinking!"

Joke #65
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

Joke #66
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Joke #67
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

Joke #68
I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

Joke #69
White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."

Joke #70
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Joke #71
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

Joke #72
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?"

Joke #73
An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

Joke #74
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Joke #75
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

Joke #76
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Joke #77
I watched the news and it was showing a women's house that was flooded. She was standing inside crying and I thought to myself, "That's not helping."

Joke #78
I joined a charity that sends obese children to the rainforest. It is very successful. You can visit the website at feedthetigers.ca

Joke#79
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Joke #80
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Joke #81
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

Joke #82
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two." "How's you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Joke #83
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

Joke #84
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him.

Joke #85
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

Joke #86
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.

Joke #87
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

Joke #88
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything.

Joke #89
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's material so much, they've reached the point where they don't need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it's the third comic's turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn't 44 funny?" "Sure, it's usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it..."

Joke #90
A car hits a  man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

Joke #91
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Joke#92
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.