Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Funny Quotes

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why do people say "no offense" right before they're about to offend you?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
 
If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
 
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

To all those that think a women's place is in the kitchen remember that's where the knives our kept.

My daughter asked me how it felt to raise the best daughter ever. I told her that I wouldn't know but her grandmother certainly would.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
 
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
 
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?