Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

More Puns

Here are some more puns. Sorry in advance if some of them are not good or are repeated.
Here are more puns:

There was a cat with 16 lives.
A 4x4 (jeep) ran it over,
And the cat died.

People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

What's the matter?
We are!

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty robbers.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!

I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But it doesn't matter none of them work.

How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Why did the jelly bean go to university?
He wanted to be a smartie!

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

What do you call a fake noodle? An IMPASTA!

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper's jammin' again.

After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out."

Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Never mind I'm still working on it.

Coach: There's no I in team
Me: But there's an M and an E
Coach: .....
Me: Exactly

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

I always take a second pair of pants when I go golfing... in case I get a hole in one.

I'm trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke but its not twerking.

I went to to the shop to buy 8 sprites, I came home and realised I had picked 7 up

I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

So i've decided that my wifi will be my valentine.
Idk, we just have this connection.

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

Boy: My dads name is chuckling and my moms name is laughing.
Teacher: Your kidding.
Boy: No that's my brother, I'm joking.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but they kept dropping the bass.

Have you seen the movie Constipation? Oh yeah that's right, it hasn't come out yet!

What does a smurf and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.

Darth Vader once made cookies, but they were a little on the dark side.

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.

Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.

No more Harry Potter jokes guys, I'm Sirius.

I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

I always thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring

Billy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying

Why can't a bike stand on it's own?
Because it is two tired.

I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body.

I just threw a dead Duracell out the window and it hit a police officer's windshield. Ironically, he charged me with battery.

The outcome of war does not prove who is right, but only who is left.

It was hard getting over my addiction to hokey pokey, but I've turned myself around.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how to feel about that.

What is the difference between a tea bag and Canada. A tea bag stays longer in the cup

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

I don't know what's up with this bottle of Whiskey, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

why did the picture go to jail? because it was framed.

I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

When you're walking into the bathroom you're American.
When you're walking out of the bathroom you're American.
What are you when you're inside the bathroom?
European.

How do you organize a space party?
You planet.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom?
Because he was a fungi.

Why can't you run through a camp? It'd be ran, because it's past tents.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors... its just something I can see myself doing.

I can't seem to stop laughing at the concept of this potato being on my plate. I think it's because we're both baked.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The scare crow got promoted to the manager at a supermarket, because he was outstanding in his field

I beat my friend in a foot-race,he was a sore loser. I guess he couldn't take the agony of de-feet!

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I don't trust people with graph paper. They're always plotting something