I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
Ton.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
I was like, don't be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by the zamboni.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
Kitty Perry.
How Long is a Chinese man's name.
No, it actually is.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
They're both red except for the green one.
What did the femur say to the patella?
I kneed you.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG! BREATHE! BREATHEEEEE!
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A taxi driver.
What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
LMAYO.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
Clean Jokes!
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?"
"With a bee bee gun."
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."
That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
"Where's Popcorn?"
What do you call sad coffee?"
Despresso.
I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
It barked with de-light!
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cause they arrrrr.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
A penny.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay. He woke up.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What is the biggest building in the world?
The library! It has the most stories!
"Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
"My father's check book!"
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
The alpha bet.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
YOU ARE READING
Collection of the Best Jokes Ever
HumorAn incredible 70% of readers enjoyed this book, 40% of the time! Here in this book are the best jokes you will ever hear. It is guaranteed that you will laugh or smile at least once after reading this whole book. And lets face it jokes are a great w...
