Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Clean Jokes#1

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they're really good at it.

"What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
"You can't tuna fish."

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks, "Can I help you, sir?"
The man answers, "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?"
The bartender says, "That would be $2.60."
"Alright, I'll have one," says the man. He takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and throws them all on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge so when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The man drinks his coffee leaving the change on the ground. A few minutes later he throws two dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

What do you call a pile of kittens
A meowntain.

Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies!

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Why aren't koalas actual bears?
The don't meet the koalafications.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.

Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

What do you call a baby monkey?
A Chimp off the old block.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

I bumped into an old school friend at the store today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports cars.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optometrist."

Did you hear about that new broom?
It's sweeping the nation!

Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?!"

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, "BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB."

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
An ambulance.

I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, "I can't do this. I need water." The man says, "I didn't know dogs could talk."
The horse says, "Me neither!"

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!

What's red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator.

Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It's dread-full.

What did Bacon say to Tomato?
Lettuce get together!

What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.

A guy goes into a lawyer's office and asks the lawyer: "Excuse me, how much do you charge?"
The lawyer responds: "I charge £1,000 to answer three questions."
"Bloody hell – That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yes. What's your third question?"