This Is Forever

Chapter 19

*Christian's POV*
I messed up BAD. We were supposed to have fun and be a normal couple and I blew it. I thought it was just fun, like a joke, and I didn't realize what was going on until I saw her leaning in, and I pictured Nicole's face and pushed her. I didn't even hear her scream my name...

She won't even talk to me at this point, and she got a different hotel room because she can't leave.

It happened two days ago and I didn't sleep and I haven't eaten at all. I miss her, I can't believe myself...

It's almost midnight, so it's almost been three days and I haven't slept at all...

Someone knocks at my door and I don't get up. I rub my eyes and throw my head back in frustration. Who would be here at 11:44?

They knock again and I groan and trudge to the door to open it. I turn the handle and squint at the light at first, but then I focus.... On her face.

My heart aches and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her.

"Nikki I-"

She holds her hand up to stop me, "Don't. I'm... Not here for that." She moves a strand of hair behind her ear and crosses her arms tightly over her chest.

"I just came to ask if you ate anything."

I stare at her, slightly shocked. She cares? Of course she does you idiot... We're still married.

I shake my head, "Not since then..."

She nods her head towards the hallway, "Want to come with me then? I haven't either.."

A pang of worry shoots through my body, "Nicole, you can't do that, you can't get sick again.."

She nods, "I know... I haven't been able to eat," She looks down, "So are you coming or what?"

I shake my head quickly to knock myself back into reality, then nod and grab my room key.

We walk downstairs in silence and it kills me. I haven't seen her in two days, her voice is scratchy like she's been crying, or not speaking, or both, her hair is in a messy French braid and she isn't wearing makeup.

But God, she's so beautiful. I miss her...

My eyes start to burn as we get in the elevator and I look up and blink a few times to get the tears out of my eyes.

I feel her look at me. I'm still looking up, but I know she's staring. I look at her and I know she's fighting the urge to cry, I know her too well.

When she's trying not to cry, her chin shakes a bit and she bites the inside of her cheek.

She reaches up and puts her hand on the side of my face and strokes my cheek with her thumb. I put my hand over hers and her eyes start watering... a lot.

She covers her face with her other hand and slowly pulls her hand from my face. She covers her face for a minute until we reach the first floor and she wipes her eyes and puts her head up and walks out.

She's so strong, sometimes she doesn't realize that it's okay to break, and if she needs to, she can break on me. It's weird, but I wish she would... I know she needs me, but she's scared because I hurt her, and I still can't believe I hurt her, she's everything to me...

I trail behind her and we go to the cafe that's open 24 hours. There's no one else in there, so we're seated quickly.

She's across from me and she glances around, avoiding my gaze.

I press my palms to my forehead and sigh and I feel her look at me. She taps my forearm and I move my hands so I can see her.

She opens her hand and I look at her confused. "Give me your hand, you idiot." She says.

I hesitantly slip my hand into hers and her dainty fingers lock with mine, and for a moment, everything is okay. I missed her touch, she wouldn't let me touch her that day...

Man, I'm making it sound like it's been years, but it feels like it without her.

*Nikki's POV*
I lock my fingers with his and a weight lifts off my chest. I want to just lay my head against his chest and fall apart, but I can't do that. Not here... Not now...

I miss him but I don't know if I can trust him right now and that's scary... He's my husband... But I don't know if he'll just hurt me again.

He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. My heart aches with it, I just want his arms around me and no space between us...

He leaves my hand against his lips and makes eye contact with me. His eyes are dark blue, they're only dark when he's hurting...

We've barley spoken which is weird for us...

"I'm so sorry..." He blurts out, putting my hand down and covering his face, "I can't do this. I miss you. I don't know what got into me, she was there and I didn't know what was happening and she almost kissed me but..." He pauses and I wait for him to continue before saying anything.

"I saw your face in my head and... I pushed her away and when I saw the look on your face, I broke inside. Everything in me just fell apart because I damaged the best thing that's ever happened to me, Nicole, I'm sorry."

I don't respond. I just stare at him. Gah, I love him but I don't know what to do...

He stares at me expectantly and I bite my lip, forcing back tears. It doesn't work and tears spill down my cheeks. I tilt my head down and stare at the table.

I wipe the continuous tears from my face and Chris stands up. I quickly look up, afraid that he's leaving.

He stands there for a few seconds before sitting down next to me and pulling me close to him. I hesitate, but I can't anymore.

I lean into him and completely fall apart. I sob into my hands and Chris strokes my hair to calm me down. His hand shakes and his breaths are slow.

He knows what he did, but I need him right now and I hate myself for needing him.

I shift so I can look up at him and he puts his hands on the sides of my face, "I love you so much, but you suck." I say along with a sound that's a mix between a laugh and a sob. He laughs, "I know I do. I love you."

I wrap my arms around his neck. I hate that he hurt me and I'm still here crying on him over him... But he knows and he's still here comforting me and won't stop until it's okay again.

That's love.

He sighs and squeezes me tight. I don't even care. I hate that I love him so much, but I do and there's no denying it no matter what.