Why Here?

Chapter 17

Lennox's POV

My body is weak from crying. I wipe my eyes and sit up slowly. My head turns quickly to the door as hear a faint knock. My stomach turns. I know it's him, he's hurt me so bad but I can't stop thinking of him. I sigh and stand up. I wrap my blanket around my body and walk towards the door opening it slowly.

His head turns down and stares at me. "Len-" he tries to breathe but I turn and walk back to my bed sitting on the edge but leaving the door open. I could tell he was confused. I look down at the spot next to me then back at him. His eyes widened once figuring out my gesture. He walked in and closed the door gently behind him.

He sat down close to me, as much as I wanted him to be, he couldn't see I liked it. I moved over from him signaling to keep his distance. He kept his eyes on me, but I didn't break the silence. His eyes drop and he opens his mouth.

"Lennox I wasn't giving it back. I wanted you to see what I wrote." He said with the most tender voice making my heart jolt. He looked at me wanting me to answer but I kept my head down and my mouth shut. "It's about you. I know that sounds crazy but it is." I could sense the desperation in his voice.

I sigh and look up at him. "What is it?" I almost whisper. His eyes light up as he hears my words. "A song. I haven't been able to write a single damn thing since I've... Just please read it." He pleas. I nod slowly and turn to the page when my door opens widely.

"Group session you two. Come on." Jackie says.

Jackie's one of the nurses here. She's one of the best. She always has something nice to say and has the biggest heart. She's one person I can seek help from even though I won't.

"Okay. Coming." I smile softly. She nods and walks away leaving the door open. I stand up and hand Niall back his journal. "You're not going to read it?" His tone tense. "We have group. We have to go." I say letting the blanket fall from me and onto the bed. "Oooo big deal. Just sit down and read it." He grabs my arms and I jerk it away. "No! I actually like group. It's a nice thing to share with people." I speak. "Wait you share?" He questions obviously knowing I'm shy. "Sometimes. I mostly just listen." I say grabbing my shoes.

"Fine. Let's go to share." He smiles and grabs my hand pulling me out the room with one shoe on and the other in hand. I finally get out of his grip and finish putting on my shoe and lead him to the conference room.

"Alright everyone. Sit down." Jackie says with a grin on her face. "Now everyone lets say our prayer before we start." She says as she bows her head.

Niall's head immediately turns towards me as if to ask "do I have too?" I quickly nod and push his head down gently and I do the same.

"Dear lord, we bow our heads to you in pride and glory. You are the reason we're here, the reason we seek the answers to our problems. The reason we are all still alive." Jackie's voice is full of sincerity.

I hear Niall chuckle under his breath and smack his arm gently. "Owe! Oh my god that hurt!" He over reacts. "SHH! I'm trying to listen!" I push. He rolls his eyes and turns back to Jackie.

"Okay. Well this week has been a very different week hasn't it?" She says trying to grasp everyone's attention. "We have someone that hasn't been here before.." She looks in Niall's direction and I can see his shoulders stiffen. "What?" Growls looking at her in disgust almost like he's mad she brought attention his way.

"Well I was hoping maybe you'd like to share your story with us? Everyone here has done it. It's a way to get closure, to feel relieved." She's smiles her sweet smile.

"No. I'm good." He says harshly. And leans in his chair. I look at his face even though he's trying to keep his cool I can see the beads Of sweat on his forehead forming telling me he was nervous. I really didn't want to mess with him but I knew only way he might talk. I slowly reached out my hand and grabbed his. "It's okay Niall, no one will judge you." I speak softly. His eyes dart from my hand to my face and back. I knew he was surprised yet comforted. I nodded slowly.

"Fine." He groans loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Okay. Go head." Jackie says taking a seat.

Niall's POV

Something about Lennox holding my hand made my knees weak. Made me feel empowered. I look at her one last time before opening my mouth. I know once she hears my story she won't want to speak me at all let alone hold my hand.

I take in a deep breath and open my mouth.

"I'm Niall Horan, I'm in the band One Direction, or I was, or still am, I don't know." I start to get annoyed with my stumbling till Lennox squeezes my hand and my annoyance drifts off. "The band got started through the X-Factor. We all auditioned as solo artist and after the second auditions we didn't make it through to live shows. We were devastated till Simon Cowel called us Five boys back on stage and put us into a group. It was amazing." I smile softly and look down almost to make sure she's still holding my hand.

"I was only sixteen at the time so I thought man my life is made." I chuckle at how naive I sounded. "Long story short we didn't win but we won something else, something better, we won over people, fans! We had people outside the studio just after our first performance! It was incredible." I smile remembering the feeling. "Simon signed us and we just blew up. Traveling, recording, performing. At first we loved it but then it got a bit over whelming, especially for me." I look one more time at Lennox because I know once she hears the story she won't want a single damn thing to do with me. "I started drinking. Granted I'm an Irishman so drinking's not normally a problem but I took it to far. I would finish a bottle of whiskey in a matter of twenty minutes. I just couldn't stop." I tighten my grip on her hand hoping to hold it a little longer but she doesn't pull away.

"I always had that little voice in the back of my head telling me to stop, that I've had enough but i just drank more to shut it up." I sigh. "Before each show I would have 6 beers then after I'd find some random girl bring her back to the hotel and..." My voice cracks knowing what I'm about to say. I look at Lennox just hoping she won't be disgusted with me. "I would have sex with her. After about another 6 drinks. After I got what I wanted I'd kick her out of my room. Like nothing. I didn't care. I didn't know who she was. She didn't mean anything." I could tell Lennox was hurt listening but she never moved her hand.

"That lasted for about six months till I found this one girl just as crazy as me. She drank as much as me, she was wild. Right before we were gonna fu- have sex she pulled out bags. Three little zip lock bags. She told me they were what made her fun. I didn't question her at all. I just took all three." I bite my lip not wanting to say what happened next. "After we had our fun she left, I was left alone with my thoughts after taking her drugs. I looked on the table and she left them behind. I couldn't help myself and took them again. And stared at the ceiling watching it change colors and shapes, I thought it was amazing." My eyes squeeze shut.

"I had finally fell asleep for what felt like ten minutes, to be awoken by my phone ringing madly. I answered it and find my mother on the other end crying. I just kept asking what's wrong, she then spit out that my father had passed away from a heart attack. She was taking deep breaths waiting for me to say something but all I could was laugh. My brain was so fucked up with the drugs I didn't know what was happening. All I can remember is her screaming at me asking why I was laughing and me saying to my mother 'shut up hag, you're ruining my trip' and I hung up. After months and months of tour my habit got worse I needed a 'pick me up' almost every fifteen minutes. I wanted that buzz." My voice got low. "I needed the buzz so bad I stole from my band mates to pay for my habit. I had spent all my money on it and couldn't stop myself. There was this one girl, that was sitting outside our venue, I could tell she had money by the way she dressed. I took her to the back and I told her I would fuck her and let her meet the boys and she agreed quickly. I took her to the back and let her have it but once we were done I grabbed her purse as she was getting dressed and stole her wallet and left her alone." I let out a breath I guess I had been holding in a while. "And now I'm here...."

My eyes dropped down to my hand and there's was Lennox still gripping tight. I looked up at her face, her eyes brimming with tears. "I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's okay." She says softly "it's okay.."