Just As I Am

Chapter 1

© 2012 by Lakeyta Lewis

"I messed up today. I had this idea and I acted on it. It was a big mistake! I thought no one would know if I did it, no one would ever find out, but its not easy keeping secrets in my neighborhood. I went to see him, and someone told my parents. My dad completely lost it and called the police. Why do I have to be punished when I didn't do anything wrong?" My parents had completely lost their minds. This was just unfair; why were they always trying to control me? Why couldn't I just be with the person I wanted to be with?

I sat in the large office wondering how I'd ended up in this situation. It was because of Eric Anderson. I was so completely in love with him, and miraculously, he loved me too. My parents were totally against it; they forbade me from seeing him, but nothing could keep me away. When they found out we were seeing each other, they called the police before taking me to the doctor to be examined. They had to make sure their little girl wasn't growing up too fast. When they learned I was still a virgin, they told me I was to never see him again. Of course I didn't listen, so after months of fighting, they put me in therapy. None of it mattered though, because nothing could stop me from being him. He was the love of my existence! They could try all they wanted, but they couldn't change the way I felt.

"No one is trying to punish you; we're just trying to help you. He is not someone you need to be around. Just wait a couple of years and see if you still feel the same. Is he really worth all this trouble?" She looked at me worryingly for a moment.

"Look, I know what you're thinking, but you don't know him like I do! You can't see him through my eyes; you don't feel what's inside of me. You can sit there on your high horse and judge me, but you don't know what it's like! You're not the one who loves him. You can't understand what we have, because you don't know us. I'm not strong enough to make it without him. I need him! He's the only person who can dull the pain. He makes it bearable. Why can't you understand that? I need him! I can't breathe without him! I can't! I'm suffocating! He is my air! You want me to give up air, but you're not telling me how to survive without it! How do I breathe? How do I survive?" I felt the tears rolling down my face, but made no effort to wipe them away. What was the point? It wouldn't change a single thing! This mess was my life, and I'd accepted that a long time ago.

"Jasmine, I'm not here to judge you. I'm just trying to understand. You're only sixteen; you have your whole life in front of you! You are a beautiful girl, and you deserve so much more than this. Don't you want more out of life?" She asked.

"Of course I want more! I've always wanted more, but wanting something doesn't make it real! What I have is real, and I'm just trying to work with what I've got!" And that was the God's honest truth. People always try to tell you how to handle situations that they've never faced. I was so lonely and Eric was the only person who really saw me.  This was a complete waste of time. She would never be able to understand what I was going through. No, she was one of those "from the outside looking in" people. How can they tell me I can't see Eric? He was the only thing that made sense in my life!

"You understand why there is a problem with you seeing Mr. Anderson, don't you? Jasmine, he's much too old for you! The only reason he's not in jail is because you two have never been intimate. That's the only reason he's free." Why was she telling me this? I already knew he was older than me; I can add! But really, what is four years?

"A relationship is more than just sex, Mrs. Green. We love each other! How can you put an age limit on love? I've seen your husband. Mr. Green looks about ten years older than you! Did your parents make you go to a therapist?" Of course not, because only overprotective, overbearing parents did things like that!

"Jasmine, this isn't about me! We are here because your parents are concerned about you." She responded.

What could they possibly be concerned about? I was on the captain of the cheerleading squad and a straight A student for crying out loud! I did volunteer work and I sung in the church choir. I was the perfect daughter, from dance classes to gymnastics to martial arts, I did everything to make them happy. I'd never experimented with drugs or did anything that was considered rebellious. That is, until I started seeing Eric anyway.

"Okay, let's change the subject, shall we? You never talk about Jason, and I've been wondering why.    Do you think about him a lot?"

I stared at the woman and fought the urge to slap her. The hollow place inside me ached. How dare she bring him up? Of course, I thought about him every day, he was never really far from my mind. I was not, however, going to discuss him with her.

"Can I go now? I know you're just doing your job and all, but I don't need this!" I didn't mean to be rude, but I had better things to do.

"I'll see you next week." She sighed, giving me a critical look. I didn't say anything as I grabbed my bag and went outside to wait for my ride.

I really wished everyone would leave me the hell alone! Especially since I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was tired of my family trying to control me and dictate my every move. All I wanted was to be able to spend time with the person I cared about most. Was that so wrong? So what if I was only sixteen? I would be seventeen in four months and then there would be nothing my parents or anyone else could do. I had enough credits to graduate a year early, and I'd saved a nice amount of money between babysitting and doing papers for a fairly large amount of students. School wouldn't be an issue because scholarships, and I already had a job lined up for when I turned seventeen. I would be just fine on my own.

By the time I made it out the front door of the building, my mom arrived. She was yelling before I even opened the door. I stood frozen for a moment with my stretched towards the door, dreading opening it. She rolled down the window.

"Jasmine, get your little fast ass in this car before I get out and beat the brakes off you!" Okay, Kelly, was definitely in one of her moods. I got into the suv and didn't say a word. Not that I would've had a chance; she was talking a mile a minute.

"Girl, you know if mama was still around, she would probably beat me for not beating you! I blame this all on Dr. Phil! Not saying I promote child abuse or anything, but some times you need to choke your kid out to keep them in line." She took her eyes off the road for a long moment and just looked at me. "I ought to... Oooh! I could, I should.... Lord, show me the way! Give me the strength to not snap on this child and end up in prison! I need you to help me! Help your child Lord!"

I was actually kind of scared! She seriously looked deranged!

"I'm going to do it! It's exactly what you need!" She said calmly.

"Do what exactly?" I asked slowly, stretching out the words.

"Beat that ass! Then I'm shipping you off somewhere! You don't want to listen and stay away from that boy, then I won't give you a choice! How you like that?"

I was in shock. Send me off? What did she mean send me off? Off to where? Had she completely lost her mind?

"Okay mom, no need to get dramatic!" I laughed nervously.

"When we get to the house, you can start packing, Jazzy Badass!"

As soon as we pulled into the garage, my dad was at the door. He reacted completely differently by using the silent treatment. Why were we going through all of this? I just wanted to see Eric. It's not like we were having sex or anything. He doesn't even kiss me yet! Not until I'm seventeen. We just talked mostly. He understood me. He got me. I didn't say anything as I went upstairs to my bedroom. I cried myself to sleep. They wouldn't really make me leave would they?