Just As I Am

Chapter 17

Isaiah

A month had passed, and I still wasn't talking to Jazzy. I missed her so much, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to get back to the way we were. I tried so hard to work this out, but whatever her problem was, she wasn't trying to let it go. Eventually, I just stopped trying. If she didn't want to be my friend anymore, then so be it. I wasn't about to sweat the girl. If she didn't care about me, I would show her that I didn't care either. What was that Gucci Mane said? "Girls are like buses; miss one, next fifteen one coming!" I wasn't about to waste another minute thinking about Jasmine Carter!

The problem with that was all I did was think about her. I didn't tell her how I felt about her because I didn't want to mess up our friendship, but now it was messed up anyway. Maybe I should've just let her know, I thought to myself. That would be a great idea if I could get the girl to spend five minutes alone with me! I was like some love sick puppy and that wasn't me at all. This was interfering with my life! I didn't realize how much time I used to spend with Jazzy until I had all this free time on my hands. I threw myself into my music: writing constantly and in the studio more than ever. Gin said he loved the new Zay the Beast but hated the new Isaiah. I just wasn't the same. I was more intense, less carefree, less easy going. I just really didn't have anything to smile about. I guess it was a good thing; I was a better ball player for it. You could even say I was a better student too. Marcus said I was just plain boring now, but Tim didn't give me a hard time. He seemed to understand, but he was always the mature one of us three.

I can't blame all of that on Jazzy though, because I knew a big part of it was the fact that I hadn't had sex in a while. I could've been sleeping with Gisele; I even went to her house that night with the intention of doing just that. It all changed when I got there though. She was still wearing the sexy little bra and panties, but I just didn't want to deal with Gisele. She started talking about how things could go back to the way they were, and I lost interest real quick. It's messed up, I know, but all I wanted from her was strictly physical. So when she brought up a relationship, I got up and left. She wasn't talking to me now, but I didn't mind at all. One less girl to drive me crazy.

Sex wasn't that big of a deal anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved having sex; I could just go without thought. I could wait for Jasmine. She's still a virgin, I thought. Well, she was. God, I hope she's still a virgin. Why am I even thinking about that? It didn't matter if Jasmine was a virgin or not, because she wasn't interested in me. She didn't care about me anymore! No matter what I did, I just couldn't get her off my mind! I'm too young to be dealing with these feelings. So like so many times before, I tried to think of other topics, any subject that wasn't about Jazzy.

Things with Isis were cool. Our project was going good and I thought I'd probably even get an A on it. I liked spending time with her, though it only made me miss Jazzy more. I often thought about what Tim said about Isis having a crush on me. It would be so simple to hook up with her, and it would definitely solve my issues with Jasmine. I could be happy with Isis, but I didn't think she'd agree to date me. She and Jasmine had become friends and she often brought Jazzy up in our conversations. I think she even had an idea of what I was feeling. So, I knew that even Isis wouldn't give me escape I wanted. She even almost said as much one day while we were at her house working on our project.

"You know something, Zay, I've always liked you." She said out of nowhere. I thought about the conversation I'd had with Tim about her.

"Have you?"

"Yes, I have, Isaiah. And I would be the perfect girl for you if you could see me." She said seriously.

"I see you, Isis." She was a beautiful girl. Anyone could see that clearly.