Just As I Am

Chapter 23

Jasmine

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

I lay in my bed listening to Jazmine Sullivan’s Lions, Tigers, and Bears. I was thinking about the kiss my best friend had given me. It was the most surprising, most amazing kiss I’d ever experienced, but it was also the scariest. I hadn’t talked to Isaiah in two days, not since he kissed me and told me he was in love with me. What was I supposed to say to that? Why did he have to kiss me? Why did he have to love me? Why tell me now? It’s kind of funny if you think about it. If he’d felt this way sooner, I would have never got involved with Dashawn, and there probably wouldn’t be a problem. But he didn’t, and I did, and now, I didn’t want to be in love with Isaiah. I knew that I loved him; that wasn’t the issue, but in the end, what did love have to do with anything? What has love done for me? Yes, it was a horrible thought for a seventeen year old, but I hadn’t had much luck in love. Why would Isaiah be any different?

“Jazzy?” I heard Mia say from the door.

“Come in.” I called, loud enough for her to hear. I sat up in my bed Indian style and waited for her to enter. She walked in holding Tia in her arms. They both had on red and white sun dresses, and I was betting Tamia had on one also. Mia liked to dress her girls up to match her. It was cute. She sat down on the bed and Tia reached for me.  I took her into my arms and concentrated on her adorable face. Mia turned off my song, but didn’t say anything. At first the silence didn’t bother me, because I was almost positive I knew what she wanted to talk about, but after a few minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Are you and the girls going somewhere?”

“Yeah, we’re going to see Nana, aren’t we, Chunky Monkey?” She answered, tickling Tia. I thought about the last time I’d seen Tina at Braums. She’d made a remark about how cute Isaiah and I were together. Why did all my thoughts end up back at him?

“Where are Uncle Trey and the boys?” I asked, trying to redirect my thoughts.

“They went to play laser tag with Nic, David, and the boys.” She answered. “Jazzy, can we talk about what happened with Isaiah?”

“What do you mean?” I kept my eyes trained on Tia because I didn’t want to see the look in Mia’s eyes.

“Why did you run away from him? Why are you avoiding him?”

“Why did he have to complicate things? Why isn’t being a friend enough?” I whined. Things were perfect the way they were!

“He loves you, Jasmine.” She said softly.

“Well, he needs to stop.” I sighed.

“Is that really what you want? What is so wrong about Zay wanting to be with you?”

“He was with me! We were best friends. Things were just fine the way they were.”

“So you don’t love him?” I could hear the skepticism in her voice, but I didn’t look up to meet her eyes.

“Yes, of course.” I answered honestly. I did love Isaiah. There was a time when I wanted to be more than friends, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. What happens, not if, but when it all falls apart?

“Then what are you so afraid of?” She asked. Hmm, let me think about that. I’m afraid of losing Isaiah. I’m afraid of being hurt again. But neither of those were the answer I gave. If I truly thought about it, the thing that scared me the most was the fact that we loved each other. I’d crushed on Eric for three years before he noticed me. I was already infatuated with him before he ever knew my name, so it wasn’t hard to fall in love with him. I loved that he wanted to be with me. I loved the undivided attention he gave me when we were in the same room. I loved that it was forbidden fruit. I loved him for all the wrong reasons! But that didn’t make it hurt any less, because at the end of the day, I’d loved him. Dashawn, well, Dashawn seemed perfect! He was an amazing illusion, and I fell in love with it. He said and did everything right, and he was new and exciting. I loved the way he looked at me, the sweet things he did. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved his confidence and the way he sounded when he told me he loved me. It was all a lie, but it was a lie I’d loved! It hurt worse with Dashawn than Eric because with him, it was a real relationship. Eric was the first boy that ever kissed me, but Dashawn was the first to bring me a flower, the first to take me on a date. I loved him and he’d broken my heart. I didn’t understand love, and it was entirely too painful to keep falling into it.