ONE LAST TIME

So this is it?

"Grayson is so going to be dead."
I look at Ethan as he shakes with laughter reading his messages. His one hand is grasping my wrist,his thumb making circles at the back of my hand.
I smile at his face. How I came to be this lucky I will never know. He looks up sensing my gaze and his eyes are gleaming as he smiles.
"Enjoying the view,hun?"
He smirks as he leans in closer. I snort. He hasn't lost his smug self and somehow that makes it all the more better. Like he said ladies love a bad ass.
'Don't flatter yourself dork"
He places his hand on his heart pretending to be hurt.
"Be careful with your words sugar. You are hurting this tiny thing in me"
I giggle and slap him playfully,
"Jerk"
He smirks.
"A hot one you mean."
I look at him feigning shock.
"Who told you that piece of shit information?"
He laughs,those deep laughs of his that makes you melt as he shakes his head making his curls fall around.
Then he leans in and plants a sweet short kiss on my lips leaving me breatheless.
It's been one week and I am still not used to his sudden assault on my poor lips.
One day I am going to land up with a cardiac arrest and it is going to be because of this idiot.
"But seriously Grayson is dying to meet you"
He glances at me his eyes unreadable.
We are sitting in front of the basketball court and the tree's shadow is falling on his face.
Sometimes I forget who he really is.
Ethan and Grayson. The youtube sensations.
I nod staring into his stormy eyes.
"Yeah right,so that I could ask him for his autograph"
He smiles and takes my hand and leans in,his warm breath hitting my ear.
"Don't worry,you can take mine first"
He is unbelievable.I punch him as he grabs my hand.
"I need to teach you how to throw a punch seriously"
Yeah right,so that one day I can beat the shit out of Jenny.
I open my fist and wrap my tiny fingers around his.
His hand is always warm and firm.
He looks at me,first taken aback and then smiles warmly pulling me in closer so that my back rest on his chest and he is kissing the top of my head.
"You are too beautiful Juve."
I smile and snuggle up more.I know what we both are trying to do.
We both came here to talk about something ..
Something I don't even want to think about. Only if things were different.
He needs to pack tonight because tomorrow he will be gone and with him,my everything will be gone.
The past week has been the happiest week of my life.
Our constant banter, the interrogation we did of each other,sneaking each other kisses during maths, the after dinner walks which would always gradually turn into us making out in the corridors where the lights are dim.
I could feel the tears coming. Always so ready. They are always there.
"Ethan"
I whisper softly. Over and over again in my mind as he places his chin on my shoulder resting his cheek in mine.
"I know babe. I know"
He moves his hand bringing it up to his face as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
I turn ever so slightly looking at him.
"When do you leave?"
Don't answer please. Don't break me.
His voice comes out muffle. He is controlling his tears.
"Nine o'clock"
I purse my lips willing myself not to cry.
The question is there hanging in the air. We both don't want to speak it but then I do it anyways.
Might as well break myself fully whilst it's happening.
'What about us ,Ethan?"
Summer flings. Never meant to last. It was just for the heat of the moment.
He pauses not answering.
Of course he won't. Because somewhere we both know the truth. There is no way in hell we can continue this. Heck! We might never meet again. All of this, Us, we were never meant to be. Just a cruel joke of my life. And here I thought I am lucky. Of course, Cupid you hate me.
"Juve,what do you want me to say?"

His voice is barely audible amidst the gushing wind but the words are loud.
Loud enough to tear me. I should have seen this coming. What were we both even thinking?

"Nothing Ethan."

I look down the grass suddenly becoming interesting.
Anything but his face. Before I lose the little restrain I have on my tears. Before I breakdown and beg him to stay.
He leans back and I am suddenly aware of the gap between us. It is strange and cold and everything else that makes me heavy.
"Juve" 
He calls out his eyes closed. He is clenching his jaw and his grip on my wrist is tightening.
I turn blinking away the tears.
"I can't promi-" he opens his eyes and then stops short.
In a split second he is sitting up and pulling me closer.
"Are you crying?"
I shake my head willing myself not to cry. Not again. You are not winning this time Cupid.
"Juve",his voice is desperate and he is whipering frantically,"babe please don't cry. I can't see you like this."
Then I break and it's like every single wound opening again. Only this time it hurts more.
He brushes away my tears gently and kisses me on my forehead and his lips linger there. I inhale his scent. Strong and warm, I have  come to love his scent and associate it with all the bright places in my mind,safe and sound.

Please stay. Don't leave. Don't give me promises Ethan. I won't survive.
But I say none of these words because it won't matter. Tomorrow he will be gone from me. Perhaps forever. How is it that  forever is composed of nows in my life.
We both don't speak because we are aware whatever we speak will just end up hurting each other more.
He hugs me closer as I grip his shirt tighter willing to crush the distance between us.
August evening,amidst falling leaves and an incoming inevitable storm,we sat there on the bench holding on to each other's memory trying as much as we could to remember the tiniest details of each other.
His dimple, the way it will become suddenly prominent when he smiles sadly,his rough but warm hands,the way I fit into his shoulder.
All a part of my mosiac.
************************************
Tonight,our dorm is eerily silent.
No one wants to talk. Riya has been silently tearing up. The others are crestfallen and I have been just lying on my bed since the past two hours.
Nine more hours and he will slip away leaving me broken.
Nine more hours and I will forget how to smile again.
I close my eyes and recreate our moments. The laughter,the constant teasing.
But I stop. It is too painful. I want to know what he is doing right now. But I also know he will be busy packing.
I choke on the thought. Packing to leave.
I fall asleep with thoughts of unmatched stars and crimson skies.
************************************
"Juve we  need to move out."
I wince clutching  the cupboard doorknob.
I can't do this. I can't bid him good bye.
It is eating me up live inside and every cell in me is burning.
"Juve you knew this day will come right?"
I nod. I knew it from the start just that denial was easy.
I choke thinking about someone else calling him hers.
But then I have to let him go.
Crush all the naive dreams I had of both of us.
Sia gently takes my hand as she leads me outside the dorm.
It is equally hard for everyone.
Sia is also silent. She and Jack. Well they had been constantly together.
I inhale deeply.
Just this once I need to let him go. Set him free. Maybe one day he will find someone and I will see them on instagram.
But you wished he'd stay. That he'd try.
I give an inner middle finger to that thought.
We have reached the gate now. Their bus is right next to my house.
How ironic and bittersweet.
Then my vision blurs.
There he is standing and handing his bag to Nate as he loads it up.
Dressed simply in a grey v-neck long sleeve shirt and black jeans with vans,he looks just the same,the one who could melt my heart in a second.
But his face. His eyes are bloodshot when he looks up and locks his eyes with mine.
I am numb and paralysed.
I can visibly make out Riya hugging McKanzie and crying.
But then everything else recedes into background.
Then I am running. And then I'm in his arms. His teacher doesn't try to stop me. Even if she did I wouldn't care.
"Juve" he whispers into my hair.
I cry silently leaning back as he bends down cupping my face and then his lips crashes with mine.
Urgency laced in it with a sad taste of probably being the last one. Words that we don't want to speak.
Goodbyes that we can't bring ourselves to bid.
He pulls back for a second and whispers,"I am sorry" before his lips finds mine again.
I kiss back with the same fervour tangling my fingers in his hair.
We move in sync broken pieces of a barely breathing story. This is it.
The moment before he becomes a part of my night sky.
Well my goddamn entire universe.
Like they say
Ceaseless. He was too much for this small frame of mine.
He deserved better.
The teacher clears her throat. It is time to go.
I can see the principal  coming. We pull back breathing heavily ,his eyes searing into mine.
For a moment I am lost in them.
Those swirling emotions behind his hazel brown orbs. The ones that kept me rooted for nights.
This is the last time.
He wipes away my tears. His fingers brush slightly lingering in every touch. He looks at me broken and defeated.
We lost Ethan.
I want to scream.
Everybody is boarding the bus now.
No. Please don't go. You said you won't let me down.
He tightens his grip on my waist as if willing himself to stay.
His eyes are stormy and his lips are quivering.
"I will always love you Juve. Never forget that." He kisses me on my forehead and with that he is gone. Silently and the only sound I can hear is my heart breaking. I watch him board the bus his shoulders slumped.

I stand there shaking with violent sobs as he watches me from the glass window.
His eyes are glassy and he raises his hand.
A final goodbye and then the bus drives away leaving me standing alone.
Then I whisper back into the wind with hopes that it will carry the words to him.
"I love you too Ethan. Forever and always. I do. I really do".