Tomorrow Never Dies

Chapter 32 - "I'm unfixable"

"Flora," Ash spoke softly, shaking my arm gently. "Wake up." I groaned as I opened my eyes, stretching out my back and arms.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Michael's at the door, I think he's a little drunk, I was going to deal with him but you were lying on my arm."

"Sorry," I cringed, imagining the weight I'd been putting on his arm. "I'll see him, I need to speak to him." I stood up, stretching again, then walked to the door, flinging it open.

"Look! It's my girlfriend!" Michael slurred happily as I stared at him, disgusted. "Kiss me." I shook my head.

"Come in," I instructed, guiding him towards the bathroom. I managed to wrestle his top and jeans off him, then with Ash's help I put him in the bath and turned on the cold shower.

"I don't like it," he whined. "Make it stop!"

"Not until you sober up," I sighed, watching the water spill down his body, some of his hair dye running with it. Ash frowned at me, as if to say can you manage this? I nodded, and he left me after a quick hug, presumably going back to Grace, who'd been left with Calum and Phoebe. I perched on the edge of the bath, watching Michael slowly realise where he was, and what was going on. Eventually he came to his senses enough to turn off the shower.

"Wh- what happened?" he asked, still slightly mixing up his words.

"You were drunk and a complete asshole," I told him, tossing him a towel. "Meet me in my bedroom when you're ready to have a proper conversation." I walked off, slamming the door behind me, and got into bed, pulling the duvet tight around me. I grabbed the blade which had landed on my pillow when Ashton threw it and tucked it safely into my bedside drawer, trying to forget what had happened that evening.

"Flora?" Michael was hovering in the bathroom door. The light from behind him illuminated the shape of his body but left most of his features in the darkness, meaning I couldn't see the dark circles under his eyes, or the tears running down his face. But I knew they were there, judging by the crack in his voice, and it broke my heart. "I'm so sorry."

"Okay," I said. I wasn't going to put effort into the conversation, not when all I wanted to do was sob. I was still grieving after losing my Auntie, and his comments about my parents had just rubbed salt in the wound. I was so close to tears I could feel my chest constricting, but I was doing my best not to let it show.

"I shouldn't have said what I did. I know how you feel about your dad, I just- I was a dick. And I do love you, even if you think I don't, and I'll be here for you no matter what, but please just remember that I make mistakes too."

"Do you know what I've been thinking tonight?" My temper flared. "I've gone from fucking furious with you, to wanting desperately to find my ass of a dad and telling him he's ruined my life, to wanting to end it all!"

"Flora," Michael said, and I could hear the warning in his voice. "Please don't say that."

"But it's true! I would be better off dead," I shouted, thinking suddenly of the scene in Paper Towns where Margo tells Q about all the strings inside the man they found snapping. "I'm broken Michael, I'm unfixable."

"Flora, please let me help you," he said, the pleading in his voice setting off another trigger in the back of my head.

"Help me what? Get better? Find my dad and kick his ass? Die?"

"Get better," he begged. "I know you can do it."

"What's the point?" I sighed, suddenly exhausted from the fighting. "Just leave me alone."

"Please, baby," his voice was almost a whisper.

"Get out!" My unfair retaliation rang in my ears, followed by the slam of the door, and the tears began to fall.

***
"Flozza?" Grace's voice echoed through the room, and I looked up, blinking tears out of my eyes. "What happened?"

"Michael turned up drunk and I had a go at him and then told him I wanted to be dead, no big deal."

"You don't, do you?" I nodded slowly. "Oh, Flora, what are we going to do with you?"

"Ash told me he's taking me to the doctor's in the morning, seeing if we can get me back on meds, but he wants me to see a therapist but they're the actual worst."

"You had one that you liked, you had Sara," she reminded me. "Dr Bennett."

"Then she gave up on me, and then I had Helen and Jeanette and they literally were treating for the wrong thing entirely," I shrugged. "I can cope with anxiety, it's the depression that puts me in hospital."

"Come here," she said, and I moved into her bed, cuddling up against her. "You're not allowed to be sad. You're my wifey, and if you're sad then I'm sad."

"Am I not even allowed to be sad about my twat of a father and my boyfriend being an ass?"

"Nope."

"Oh," I said quietly.

"I love you, okay Flora? Don't let anyone get you down."

"I'm trying," I sighed. "I wish I wasn't like this."

"Just get some sleep, you're going to the doctor's in the morning." I nodded, settling down into bed in her arms.

***
I was woken up to almost blinding light in my eyes. I squinted, blinking quickly, then rolled out of bed to pull the curtains shut.

"Grace, get up," I told her, receiving a groan in response. "Ash will be here soon and you don't want him to see you looking like you do." Her hair was flying every which way, the bags under her eyes were especially dark, and she was paler than usual. She looked exhausted, in short, and I felt sorry for her.

"I guess," she replied, swinging her legs out of the bed and getting up, stretching out. "What are you wearing to the doctor's?"

"Jogging bottoms and a band top," I told her. "I'm not putting effort in."

"Okay," she nodded, letting me go to get changed. I pulled a leotard on underneath my outfit, telling myself I'd hit the studio later to practise some of the ballet I'd been doing with Sampson. My first show with the New South Waled Ballet Company was fast approaching, and we had to narrow our options down from the five dances we'd choreographed to only two. The pair of us were hoping to be selected for the production of Giselle before summer, so we were putting our all into every routine and Martin was guiding us every step of the way. "You ready?"

"Coming," I responded. Together we wandered to Ash's dorm, and he drove us to the doctor's office. After a short wait, I was ushered into the office, where I was re-diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and prescribed meds. I went straight to the pharmacy, picked up my prescription, and then walked back to the car with Grace and Ash.

"You kept it together remarkably well," Grace commented, and I shrugged.

"I've been through it all before," I said. "Gracie, you have to lock them up and not tell me where the key is, just in case I do anything stupid."

"Of course," she said. "You okay?"

"I'm okay."

*****
Hello i went to see x men today it was fab also has anyone seen me before you yet?? I'm going to see it with my auntie after my exams and i'm well excited

Song of the chapter: hurricanes by the script