Tomorrow Never Dies

Chapter 61 - "not in the mood"

"Oh my god, how hard is it to put the damn toilet seat down?"

"I'm sorry baby," Michael said sheepishly. "I'll do it next time."

"You'd better," I called from the bathroom. "That's disgusting." I washed my hands and stepped out to see him furiously polishing a spot on the coffee table. "Do you want a cub of tea?"

"I'll have a shot of vodka if that's okay."

"Tea or nothing." I put the kettle on and let it boil as I threw a couple of teabags into a pot before going to help Michael with the particularly stubborn mark on the table. Once we'd got rid of it, he put his arms round me gently, my back to his front, and he kissed the side of my neck softly. I tried to ignore the things he was doing to me, instead turning round, planting a firm kiss on his lips, then going to finish making the tea. He took a mug from me, then instantly went back to placing ticklish kisses up and down my neck, nibbling on my earlobe and whispering soft words in my ears. I frowned, shaking my head. It wasn't right. "Michael, stop. Get off me!" He pulled away, looking slightly hurt.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not in the mood." He furrowed his brow, and I could tell he was trying to analyse my feelings.

"Has something happened?" I shook my head. "Is your mental health bad?" I shrugged. "What is it, baby?"

"I don't even know," I said, my voice barely even a whisper. "I'm going to bed." I went into the bedroom, drew the curtains, pulled off my bra and got into bed. I pulled the duvet up under my chin, lay on my side, and stayed completely still, trying to figure out why I was so numb. I began to run my fingers gently over areas where I'd self harmed in the past, lightly touching my wrist, my hip and my thigh. I was months clean, but it hurt. It was hard, and in that moment all I wanted to do was do it again. I started shaking, silent tears pouring down my cheeks, and I knew what I needed to do. "Michael!" I screamed, sobbing harder than I'd done in a long time. "Michael!" My voice quietened each time I said his name until it was barely a whisper. Suddenly, he was in front of me, then I was in his arms.

"Baby, it's okay. I'm here, you're safe." I couldn't reply but I clung onto him as he kissed my hair. "You're safe, I promise." He picked me up, carried me through to the lounge, and placed me gently on the couch. He hovered in the doorway, as if deciding whether to go or stay, and I stared at him.

"Please don't leave." He walked straight back towards me and grabbed my hand.

"I'm not going to leave you, I'm just going to call Grace and Ashton so we can get you happier okay?" I nodded. "I'll be back before you even know it." He vanished to make the phone call, and sure enough he was back momentarily. "They're both on their way, until then can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I wanted to hurt myself, the urges were so bad," I sighed, wiping the tears from underneath my eyes. One had settled on my lower lashes amd it caught the light in a way that reflected right into my eye so I blinked it away as soon as I noticed it.

"Flora, you're so strong. I know it's hard, I know you have to work so hard to fight it, but you do and I'm so proud of you for it."

"Have you ever hurt yourself?"

"No," he said, then frowned. "But I have thought about it many times, and I've come close. Being with you helps me so much though, so I'm grateful that you're in my life."

"I'm glad that you've not self harmed because no one else ever deserves to feel this way, not Georgina, not my dad, nobody."

"You're a good person, baby," he said, then the doorbell went off. "I'm going to get that, I'll be right back." I nodded, and he came back with Grace and Ashton in tow. Immediately, Michael dragged Ash off to the kitchen, leaving me with my best friend. I smiled sadly at her and she walked towards me, her arms wide open. She fell onto the couch next to me and hugged me tightly, rubbing my back and resting her head on my shoulder.

"What's wrong, my squish?" I chuckled at her pet name for me.

"Life," I sighed. "I'm just sad."

"Have you been taking your meds?" I nodded. "Going back to therapy?"

"I've been for an evaluation, I'm on a waiting list now."

"Waiting lists are bullshit, you clearly need the help, probably more than some of the other people on that list."

"What can I do though, try to kill myself so I'm given priority?" Grace glared at me, punishing me for joking about it. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I just don't know what to do with you sometimes."

"I might ask Mikey if we can get a dog. See if my mum will let me have Joey." I smiled, thinking of my playful husky and all the memories we'd shared.

"That's a good idea," she grinned as Michael and Ashton returned with a tray of food and tea. I smiled, grateful for my best friends, and stood up so I could sit on Michael's knee. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest, and Ashton did the same with Grace.

"So lucky to have you," Michael murmured in my ear, and I smiled, leaning to grab a bar of chocolate. I bit into it, then let him do the same, and watches as Grace rolled her eyes.

"Gross."

"I literally gave him a bite of chocolate," I protested. "Besides, you and Ashton have kinky sex and I think that's grosser."

"True," Ashton grinned a goofy smile and kissed Grace, and it was my turn to roll my eyes.

"You two are boring," Grace told us, and I glanced at Michael, then shrugged.

"We still have great sex, just without me calling him daddy." Michael laughed but shifted uncomfortably underneath me. "You're not getting turned on are you?"

"No," he denied, but his cheeks went pink. I raised my eyebrows sceptically and shook my head.

"Disgusting." I got off his lap and went to get myself a glass of water, and Ashton accompanied me. As I filled up my glass, I could feel his eyes burning into my back.

"What's going on, little one?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "My head is such a mess, there are so many bad thoughts and they tangle up with the good thoughts so it's constant and I don't know how to untangle them."

"I know what that's like," he said. "When you find your way of sorting them out for good it will stick with you forever though, and if they start tangling up again you can get it straight as soon as." I nodded, and he hugged me, rubbing my back. I loved Ashton the way I loved Toby and Matty, he'd supported me though an immense number of breakdowns and I knew he'd be there for me no matter what. We went back through to Grace and Michael, who seemed to be having a heated debate about whether Kourtney or Khloe was the better Kardashian, and I piped up with my opinion (Kourtney all the way). Soon, I became so engrossed in the discussion that I forgot my worries temporarily, and I thanked God for my best friends.

*****
so i had a spanish mock today
i was not aware until an hour before
that went well (i used the same three words 100 times, i counted)

in other news my headmistress is retiring and i am SO GLAD she is awful at it. there was a death within the school community this year and literally anyone could have dealt with it better than her so i am beyond excited to see her go lmao

song of the chapter: out of the woods by taylor swift