Tomorrow Never Dies

Chapter 47 - "too selfish to live"

It was all set up.

A set of notes, all folded neatly with names printed on the front. Michael. Grace. Ashton. Mum. Toby. Matty. Each one was slightly different, but all were apologetic.

At least a hundred pills were laid out on my desk, organised into lines depending on what they were. My antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, sleeping pills, and painkillers. Next to them was a bottle of vodka and a shot glass.

I'd locked the bedroom door, which had only just been fixed properly from when Michael kicked it open last time, and put a chair underneath the handle for good measure. It was time.

I sent out one last tweet to my followers, containing four simple words: too selfish to live. Immediately, the mentions flooded in, asking if I was okay, but I turned my phone off and ignored them. I poured out a shot of vodka, grabbed a handful of pills, and I was about to take them when there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Flora, it's me." Ashton's voice came softly into the room, and I felt tears rolling down my face. "Please let me in." I dropped the pills, pulled open the door, and fell into his arms. He guided me into the room, shushing me quietly, not bothered by my big ugly sobs.

"I'm sorry Ashton," I cried, and he ran his hands through my hair, calming me down.

"Did you take any?" I shook my head. "I was on my way to see Grace, then I saw your tweet."

"I'm so sad," I mumbled. "I just want to not be sad."

"I know, and you deserve to be so happy." His voice was calming, a constant in the storm crashing in my mind. "But this isn't the way to do it." His arms were tight around my body, making me feel safe and secure. He wiped away my tears with his thumb, and then took my hand and led me out to his car.

"Where are we going?" I choked a little as I spoke, still shaky from my sobbing.

"We're just driving around for a bit. It should help to clear your head." He wasn't looking at me as he talked, so I wasn't sure whether I believed him. But he drove, turning on soft music, singing along quietly, his voice soothing me like only Michael's had ever been able to do before.

counting the planes as they flew by, inconceivable imagining them go
all their words for glory, well they always sounded empty
then you put your hand in mine and pulled me back from things divine

The words were beautiful, the violins playing out of the radio speakers the most impressive set of strings I'd ever head, and soon I was crying again.

"Hey, shh," Ashton said quietly, pulling into a parking space.

"I thought you said we weren't going anywhere."

"We weren't, but then I remembered that I'm supposed to be at group therapy now and I think it would be a good idea for you to come with me."

"No. No, no," I said, shaking my head. "Absolutely not. No way am I going in front of a group of random people and telling them that I'm really depressed and I want to be dead."

"You don't have to say anything straight away, just come in and sit with me." I carried on shaking my head. "Please, Flora." I caved, giving him a small nod, and I climbed out the car.  "There's only usually five of us there, and it's a lovely group."

"I'm only coming to make you happy."

"You might like it." I shrugged.

"Doubt it," I said, but I followed him in anyway. He led me into a room with about ten chairs set out in a circle, three of which were already occupied. In the middle of the circle was a pile of leaflets, and a few books each labelled 'Dream Journal'. I sat next to Ashton, with an empty chair on my other side, and reached for his hand when the others in the room started looking at me.

"Guys, this is Flora. She's having a bit of a rough time at the moment," he said, going no further than that.

"Hi, Flora. I'm George, I'm the group leader. We've got Sam and Eliot here, and Faith can't make it this week," a man with grey hair and a beard spoke, pointing at a girl about my age with long brown hair, and a guy a few years older than me.

"Nice to meet you," I said quietly, sinking down into my chair.

"Who's going to start us off this week?" George asked, and Sam got to her feet.

"I'm three months clean from smoking this week, and two weeks clean from self harm today," she announced. "It's been a year since my mum was diagnosed with cancer so it's quite tough at the moment but I'm managing."

"Well done Sam, you're doing great," George smiled. "Ashton?"

"Well, me and my band are going on tour in a few weeks, so I won't be coming for a little while, but I'm really excited to see what the future holds, and see how our band progresses."

"That's very exciting," George replied, his voice calming but not in a way that made you want to fall asleep. "Flora, do you want to share anything with the group?" I looked at Ashton, and he nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath and starting telling my story.

"I've had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, and recently it's been getting worse. I've been in and out of hospital for self harm and attempted suicide, and actually when Ashton came over before I was just about to try again. I'm really grateful that he found me though." I gave the group a half-smile, before sitting back down and breaking eye contact with George.

"I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to tell us all that," he said. "Does anyone want to say anything to that?" The guy, Eliot, stood up, looking straight at me, and I couldn't analyse the look on his face.

"Why do you think you feel this way? Have you had any traumatic experiences or anything?" I shook my head.

"No, but my therapist said I'm allowed to just feel like this for no reason. I just happen to have an imbalance of chemicals in my brain." He nodded, and sat down.

"Alright guys, I think that's enough for this week. Same place next week." George ended the meeting, and I followed Ashton out. As soon as we were in the car, I started shaking my head.

"I'm never doing that again, it was awful."

"I know it felt like that, but honestly it'll get better," he assured me. "I was the exact same as you after my first few meetings, but eventually you settle in."

"No, I don't want to do it again."

"That's okay too. Come on, let's get you back to your dorm so I can go out with my girlfriend." I nodded, and Ash drove me back to my dorm, where I gave Grace a long hug before she left with Ashton, and I settled down into bed and fell right asleep.

*****
wow i am ACTIVE
i never did song of the chapter last time so you're getting two

songs of the chapter: trade mistakes by panic! and when you love someone by james tw